The Dubious Merits of Being a "Bridezilla"

The definition of “Bridezilla” is: a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves aggravated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake.

This is, for the most part, something we want to avoid. However, being a bride who knows exactly what she wants is not necessarily a bad thing.

See, I come from the opposite end of the spectrum. I was the equally frustrating “Mouse-Bride”. I was so terrified of being seen as a “Bridezilla” that I tip-toed around everyone, waffled on decisions, and never really made it known what I wanted. This caused a lot of frustration for my mother and contributed to many of our communication difficulties.

One area where this behavior caused problems was the inclusion of pew bows. I didn’t want pew bows. Never did really. But when a friend very graciously offered to let us use hers, I had a hard time saying a definite “no”. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and so I mumbled and hedged for six months. My poor mom would ask about once a month whether she should go get the bows and finally, in frustration, I snapped “No!” Imagine her relief to finally get a definite answer!

So here’s what I learned (it took almost the whole engagement period, but I learned it): it is okay to know exactly what you want. So many horror stories are told about brides who won’t compromise or bend to the people around them, but I think that brides who refuse to give concrete opinions are just as frustrating (I was one of them). While it’s never acceptable to be rude or dismissive, a heart-felt “thank you so much, but we have that covered” is perfectly fine. Don’t try to be so agreeable that you fail to communicate what you want. In most cases, the people offering their help want to please you, so knowing what you want is helpful. If you don’t want something, tell them (nicely of course) right off the bat instead of hemming and hawing in an attempt to “be nice”.

The Wedding Industry has really set the modern bride up for a fall. With many salespeople who won’t take no for an answer, brides can be forced into a position of being rude to withstand the pressure to buy gimmicks they don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle as vendors grow pushier to deal with inflexible brides and the brides grow more stubborn in order to get what they want from vendors. On top of that, TV shows like “Bridezilla” portray the worst of the bratty brides and set up the expectation that all brides are entitled and even expected to behave that way.

The biggest thing is, choose carefully when to bend and when to hold your ground. For example, if you know that there’s a precious family heirloom your mother would want you to incorporate, I would say do so, but if someone wants to rearrange your whole color scheme, it would be best to be firm about what you want.

 

Remember, just because something isn’t originally in your “vision” doesn’t make it an instant candidate for rejection. In my case, I was offered a crocheted tablecloth that had been used in many family weddings. I hadn’t originally planned on using it, but I knew it would mean a lot to the aunt who offered it, so I incorporated it into the reception. It fit beautifully with what I had planned, and we all went away happy.

On the other hand, you had your “vision” for a reason and you’ll end up being one dissatisfied bride if you allow others to pull you too far away from it. Once again, in my case, I wanted a mainly monochromatic palette – just hunter green, silver, and white. I had seen pictures of weddings with that stark contrast and thought that it looked very elegant and stylish. Mom insisted that there needed to be some sort of accent color. We went round and round on the issue. I finally agreed to put some pale lavender flowers in my bouquet and a few sprigs of lavender around the centerpieces, putting just enough color in that Mom was happy, but it didn’t change that nice contrast that I wanted. This is the type of compromise that leaves both parties, if not happy, then at least satisfied.

In the end, there are always going to be people who accuse you of being rude, dismissive, hurtful, or inflexible. While you want to do everything in your power to avoid actually being those things, you also don't want to swing to the other side and agree to everything in an attempt to please and placate those around you. You won't be happy and they won't be happy. It's all about taking people's feelings into consideration, and that includes your own.