The Guest List -- Final Thoughts

I’m sure by now it feels like I’m beating the guest list to death but as one etiquette adviser said, “guests make the wedding”. What seems so simple is probably the most complex task of the entire affair, and once it’s done, and done well, everything else can fall into place very naturally. Plus, I can’t think of any other element of a wedding that has so many variables to contend with as the creation of the guest list! A bride must be prepared for the possibility that feelings will be hurt no matter what she does!

"I can't believe I wasn't invited to the wedding!"

 So, as a final word, I’d like to address some of the variables we encountered and how we dealt with them.

The Uninvited
Sounds scary, and it is. Between the engagement announcement and the mailing of wedding invitations we were approached with great enthusiasm by more than one casual acquaintance who said, “You must invite me to the wedding!” or “I expect an invitation to the wedding!” Even softening such a demand to “I hope I’m invited to the wedding,” didn’t make the situation any less awkward. One hopeful guest phrased it this way, “I’m thinking of getting the couple (fill in the blank) for a wedding gift. Is that okay?” This would all be well and good if we had actually intended to invite them, but that wasn't the case.

There is no easy way to handle these assumptions. We understood that some folks are just carried away, saying what they think sounds encouraging, perhaps not even really expecting to be invited but wanting to say something “positive” nonetheless. With these folks it was easy enough to smile, say something non-committal like, “Well, we’re still working on the guest list,” and move on knowing it probably wouldn’t come up again.

Other times, when pressed again and again by people we didn’t intend to invite, we were left with no choice but to smile and say, “I’m so sorry but we’re limiting the number of guests to family and our closest friends.” This has the double benefit of being the truth and effectively ending the discussion. The key here is to stop talking. It can be hard, especially if you feel like you need to justify yourself, but you don’t owe any excuses to people who presume to invite themselves to your wedding. So, tell the truth, don't make excuses, and change the subject.

Embarrassing Oversights
With at least two couples (maybe more? *cringe*) I addressed the invitation to the wife only. This was entirely an “oops” on my part and I felt obligated to track these folks down, make my apologies to both the lady and her forgotten spouse, and assure the gentleman that he was wanted. My advice to brides or mothers-of- brides caught in this awkward situation is to deal with it immediately. The sooner such an oversight is acknowledged, apologized for, and remedied, the better. Thankfully, my friends are very gracious. I was forgiven on the spot in both cases and the gentlemen knew they were welcome to come. That’s just one of the benefits of only inviting people you actually know.

All or Nothin’
The only reason to set rules when making up the guest list is to limit the number of guests, and waffling on one individual can open the floodgates to many more “iffy” guests. We used the phrase, “if we invite one, then we must invite all” more than once to justify drawing the line in a certain place.

For example, with regard to family, since we were close to several first cousins and wanted to invite them, we knew we must invite them all, even those to whom we weren’t particularly close. Family, especially, can be very sensitive about who is included  or excluded and should receive the greatest amount of care and consideration when making up a guest list. This is not the time to drive home a long-standing grudge by withholding an invitation. Rather this is a wonderful opportunity to put grudges away for good.

Our choice not to invite small children was not made lightly and was driven by two important considerations. One, we wanted to hold the guest count to a certain number. Two, we didn’t want to risk offending any of our friends by picking and choosing which of their precious little ones could come to the wedding while leaving others out. The simplest solution was not to invite any.

A Final Word
I don’t think there was anything that could’ve prepared us for the harsh reality of having to “rate” our friends and decide who would receive an invitation and who would not. People joke about making A Lists and B Lists and even C Lists, but it’s no joke. That’s exactly what a bride must do. And it’s hard!

About the only advice I can offer is to be very firm about the rules you set before compiling the guest list. Be confident that you are doing the right thing to ensure that you stay within your budget, and that your chosen guests will have the best time possible with plenty of food and a chair to sit in while eating it.