First Thoughts on The Dress

Shortly after my daughter received her proposal of marriage a year ago, I began looking at wedding dresses and quickly got an education in current wedding culture that I wasn't expecting. This entry is more of a rant but it might be of some use to brides and mother-of-brides who are expecting sunshine and roses (as we should) when it comes to gowns but may, as I did, discover that there's a dark side to wedding dress shopping. I wrote these thoughts in my journal at the time:

“Finding the right wedding dress is serious business. Even after a bride finds something online or in a magazine there's still the job of finding it in real life, laying hands on it, trying it on and, if it looks reasonably good on her, having the gown altered to fit. When my daughter and I took our first step into a bridal shop the walls of white and ivory that greeted us were overwhelming. Where to begin? Thoughts of price and size become meaningless when confronted by that many dresses. The challenge is to find one or two that look promising. A prospective bride was in the shop already and a seamstress was at her feet pinning her hem. It was charming. But as we furtively glanced around at this new world, we knew we were not prepared. We fled, vowing to tackle more dress shops the following week.

A day or two later, after looking at countless mags and web sites, I began to think I could go into this business myself and make a nice living too! Type ‘modest wedding gown’ into your browser and you’ll be shown a selection of gowns that either look like Disney Princess costumes with enormous puff sleeves and petticoats or those that resemble old-fashioned flannel nighties. I thought, ‘Wouldn't it be nice to be able to find an elegant, grown-up looking gown that also meets the goals of modesty?’ I was envisioning a gown without thigh-high slits, peek-a-boo holes, plunging necks and backs, and wasn’t so skin tight that a bride couldn't even sit down.

There are some abominably ugly wedding gowns out there. I don't think it's asking too much to expect a selection of lovely gowns that accentuate youth and beauty yet also allow a woman to appear chaste and innocent. At this point, after looking at what they had to offer, I was convinced the industry didn't have a clue what everyday people want much less understand the definition of ‘modest’.

And then there were the advertisements for wedding dresses...oh my! I can’t even imagine what some of the advertisers were thinking! I saw hundreds of wedding dress ads with models who either looked angry or dead. Yes, dead. One mainstream magazine featured a spread where every picture looked like a Victorian post-mortem shot. The brides were pasty-colored and slack-jawed, draped over chairs and chaises in unnatural limp poses, staring into space with half-closed or staring eyes. The colors of these photos had been altered to a washed out gray or sepia tone. I'm not sure what effect the photographer and dress designer were going for but they did succeed in creeping me out. It's one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen and completely counter-productive. I don't believe the ‘dead’ look will ever be ‘in’ for brides.

Nope! I don't think I'll be buying any wedding dresses made by this designer.

In other ads the brides either looked angry or bored out of their minds. In still others they look like parodies of old burlesque dancers -- pouting inflated lips and bending over to reveal cleavage or backsides. Very weird given that weddings are supposed to be about happy beginnings, not anger or boredom. Again, there is a serious disconnect between the meaning of a wedding and the current crop of designers who think brides should be ‘sexy’ (or their sick version of sexy) which is not the point at all during the ceremony.

Anyway, having said all that, I still hoped to find a gown that flattered my daughter while keeping her dignity intact. I was determined that it would cost well below the norm dictated by the wedding industry and we didn't care! Let them make gowns that cost in excess of $1500. Brides who buy these single wear gowns to impress people aren’t going to make very practical wives and mothers and may miss that money down the road when they need, say, groceries.”

The search for The Dress was on in earnest, but while I thought the challenge would be to simply find a modest dress for my daughter, the challenge actually was finding a dress that she and I could agree on.

More on that later…