Toasts, Speeches, and Captive Audiences

The speech given by the Best Man at my daughter’s wedding was a good one. It was sincere, affectionate, and genuinely touching in many ways. I say this right up front because, though the toast given by the Best Man is not something the bride’s family traditionally dictates, I definitely had opinions on what I hoped it would be, so we were all very pleased when the speech turned out so well.

Perhaps our readers will forgive me for this kind of interference, but the new "etiquette" being encouraged by magazines and web sites is almost universally awful. Nearly everything I was reading suggested that the Best Man was responsible for coming up with some kind of entertaining monologue designed to elicit laughter and tears from an audience rather than simply wishing the bride and groom happiness on behalf of the guests. Additionally, I’d been to receptions where the toast resembled more of a “roast” which left guests stunned by ribald stories better suited to a bachelor party. I’d also been to receptions where the Best Man, obviously unprepared for the responsibility of proposing a toast, mumbled a few unintelligible words before lifting his glass and then shrinking into his seat leaving guests wondering just what they had actually toasted. At still other receptions I’d been held captive by numerous speech givers who regaled guests for upwards of 20 minutes with story after story about the couple yet none of them proposed a toast. I could go on but I won’t. Suffice to say, I haven’t been to many wedding receptions in the past decade where anyone knew what a toast was much less how to deliver one.

Apparently, I’m not alone. I know of one couple who asked the Best Man and Maid of Honor to submit their speeches for approval before The Day. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Since the art of proposing a toast seems almost lost in recent years, and given the amount of bad advice so prevalent in the wedding industry, I don’t think it’s out of the question for a bride and groom to ask the Best Man what he intends to say beforehand. It’s not unreasonable for the couple to insist on having some input as well as veto power. My daughter and her husband did not wish to dictate a toast to their Best Man and, happily, his speech was one of which we could all be proud.

Having said all that, I’d like to offer up what I consider are some good suggestions regarding wedding toasts. It’s true, some of these are just my opinion and fly directly in the face of current wedding culture, but as someone who has been to a few weddings over the years and seen more than a few disastrous “toasts”, I don’t consider myself unqualified to offer them.

• The toast should be three minutes or less in duration. Anything longer than this borders on a sermon and your guests did not come to your reception to hear a sermon.

• The toast should actually wish the couple happiness and success! There is no rule of etiquette that says the toast must be humorous or entertaining in any way. And not all Best Men or even Maids of Honor are good public speakers much less accomplished comedians. Keep it sweet, to the point, and ask others to join you. Wish the couple well already!

• It’s up to the bride, of course, but there really only needs to be one speaker and one toast. As charming as she may think it would be to have six different friends and family members speak their hearts, the rest of the guests will vacillate between caring a little and not caring at all about what they have to say. Since the toast necessarily requires that all other conversation cease, the party is basically on hold until the speech-making is done. Have mercy on your guests.

• On the same note, giving a microphone to someone so elderly or someone so young that they can’t articulate a coherent word and then asking them to share their thoughts is pure torture to your guests. Don’t do it.

• Do not tell inside jokes. I’ve been to more than one reception where the bulk of the toast relied on being “in the know” with the couple. If a speaker is going to use these kinds of anecdotes have the courtesy to give those who are not part of the inner circle enough back story so that we may laugh along with you. Better still, avoid this kind of anecdote altogether. 

• Not many will want to hear childhood stories about the couple. Most of the guests probably know them already. Don’t do it. 

• No one wants to hear raunchy stories about the couple. This is not the time or the place. Don’t do it.

I would only add that there are many good books in the library on making toasts that will provide instruction on how to propose a proper toast. Stick with tried and true social forms and remember that the guests at a wedding should not be treated like a captive audience. Treat them the way you would want to be treated at a reception, with kindness and respect.