Onward Into Marriage!

Throughout the wedding planning, I had a saying that I used often:

“The ceremony is for my family and friends. The reception is for my guests. The marriage afterwards is for me.”

This became a repeated phrase that helped me to compromise when needed and not get worked up when I didn’t get my way. When talking about this saying, Mom and I decided that it deserved an entry of its own.

The ceremony is for family and friends. Of course the ceremony is also for the bride and groom, but it’s really a communal event. Watching you and your husband vow to love and respect each other means a lot to the people who care about you, who have watched you grow up, and who have been long-standing parts of your life. So, include them. I don’t mean shape your entire wedding ceremony to please them, but rather, to think about what their being present will mean. I’ve mentioned before that my mom, grandmothers, and a few dear family friends really appreciated that I chose to put sleeves on my gown – a small thing that enhanced their enjoyment of the day.

The reception is for the guests. While the color scheme, food, and atmosphere are your call, this really isn’t your party. Your parents (or you, depending on who paid for it all) are the hosts, and you are the Guest of Honor. This means that you don’t get to sit with your friends and chat all night – you’re responsible for greeting all of your guests and making sure that they know how much you appreciate them being there. And, don’t forget, you’ll be leaving early! So, while the party is for you, it’s not yours to enjoy in the same way that you would enjoy a birthday party or other big get-together. This being the case, take your guests’ feelings into consideration. For example, I originally wasn’t planning to have dancing (the Beloved Husband and I don’t dance), but so many of our friends enjoy dancing that I decided to include it. Despite my shyness and self-consciousness, I found I was so happy that I didn’t mind our First Dance in the least and my guests had fun. Another thing to consider is providing food that appeals to everyone. You won’t be able to please everyone with every single dish, but this is as easy as making sure there is enough variety that a meat-lover will have just as much to eat as your vegetarian friends, or that there’s at least one milk-free dish for your lactose-intolerant cousin.

The marriage afterwards is for you. A lot of my advice in this blog has been to take other peoples’ feelings into consideration and to compromise. Well, good news! Now that you’re married, the only person you have to compromise with is with your spouse. The marriage is for the three of you (you, your spouse, and God) alone – no one else gets to interfere. This doesn’t mean rejecting good advice out of hand, but it does mean that the running of your household, mealtimes, bedtimes, china patterns, and baby names are up to you. People will have opinions on these, but you’re allowed to disregard them – unless it’s your spouse!

There is a wonderful scene in the A&E adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice where, after some particularly strident advice from Lady Catherine de Bourgh, an older lady who loves to meddle, a young woman feels the need to repack her wardrobe. Upon seeing this, the irrepressible Lizzy offers this advice.

"Maria, this is your trunk; these are your gowns! You may arrange them in any way you wish. Lady Catherine will never know!"

I would say the same thing about a new marriage.

“Newlyweds, these are your decisions, this is your life! You may arrange it in any way you wish. (Insert name) will never know!”

You're cooking what for dinner??

As always, people who love you will give advice, and if they see you making a mistake that they’ve made in their own marriage, they will want to guide you. These bits of wisdom are valuable and should not be lightly disregarded. Anyone who wants to rearrange your spice cabinet, however, is out of line and you are well within your rights to smile, nod, and go on your merry way.