Final Thoughts on The Dress

or Modesty, Strapless Gowns, and Clear Communication

I’ll leave it to each reader to look up the definition of “modesty” since it would be easy to write an essay on the subject; but that’s not why we’re here. While ideas of modesty are often very subjective and vary widely, my idea of modesty is simply that of not showing off or, in the case of wedding dresses, not showing too much!  So, let’s just cut to the chase – my daughter wanted a strapless gown and I didn’t think it would provide enough coverage for the ceremony. She felt this was an opportunity to finally wear a "grown-up" gown. I did not want to see her bare shoulders, cleavage, or the majority of her spine.

The epitome of modesty and elegance, Grace Kelly

As usual, some folks chimed in and said that it wasn’t my decision but I think this is where planning can often go horribly wrong. A bride would be foolish to cast aside everything she knows is acceptable to those closest to her in favor of doing whatever she wants even at the risk of offending the very people she hopes will share her joy. This isn’t to say she doesn’t have a choice; it just means she should make her choices wisely and reasonably within the standards of dress and decorum she knows exist within her circle of family and friends. This is called “being considerate”. My daughter is a very considerate young woman and made it clear she had no desire to offend or embarrass anyone with an immodest gown, and yet we continued to disagree on The Dress.

Now, both of us agreed that my main objections to strapless gowns were valid ones: that a strapless gown often reveals so many of the bride’s charms that it's embarrassing to look at her, and that we hadn’t seen many brides who looked comfortable in one. The gown often appears to be bound so tightly to her chest as to cut off circulation; we assumed this was to ensure that the dress didn’t fall off. And we’d seen what our own groom called “the strapless dress dance” many, many times – the inelegant tug and shimmy that a bride does to hoick her dress up back where it belongs. My daughter was certain she could avoid both pitfalls if she got a well-fitted dress. I still felt there was the matter of propriety to consider.

I love what Miss Manners has to say on the subject: “...why are (brides) now wearing the sleeveless, often strapless, white ball dresses traditionally associated with ladies who are out looking for husbands rather than those who have found them?...The wedding ceremony, which is not ‘about’ the couple, as many mistakenly proclaim, but about their assuming socially sanctioned duties and obligations, requires a certain amount of awed modesty. One is not showing oneself off to society at this point but entering into one of its most cherished states. Considering that half an hour later the bride will be appearing under peak show-off conditions, one would think she could wait.”

“Peak show-off conditions” refers to the reception, of course. With this in mind I suggested to my daughter that a strapless gown would be acceptable if she would wear some kind of temporary covering for her shoulders during the ceremony -- a lace shrug or dainty cape -- and then remove it for the reception. She did not care for that idea. I admit I even suggested a white fur stole since it was a winter wedding. I thought it would be cute. She looked horrified and said, “No!” Looking at other options, we both agreed that cap sleeves would be acceptable to both of us if we could find a gown that had them.

What I was describing...

What my daughter was picturing...

As we scoured the 'net for pictures of wedding gowns to illustrate what we envisioned, it became clear that the gown we wanted didn’t exist in reality. Gowns were either dowdy Victorian affairs or slinky evening gowns. My daughter eventually resorted to taking pictures of gowns that were almost what she wanted and, using a graphics program on her computer, altering them to be exactly what she wanted. When I saw these pictures I was delighted. We had been in agreement all along!

So, what’s the bottom line here? If at first you don’t succeed, try a different way of communicating! If necessary, use pictures.