A Bride's Troubleshooting Manual

Rest assured, something will go wrong on The Day, Because of this, a lot of magazines and web sites tell brides to have an emergency kit of some sort containing everything from safety pins to duct tape. It’s good advice. I’ll admit, I didn’t have one (making one got lost in the hustle and bustle), but thankfully I didn't need one.

Still, despite the Emergency Kit being a good idea, there are very few specific examples of what can or has gone wrong at a wedding. So, Ta-Dah!! Here is a list of my bumps and hitches and their fixes.

The Problem: I outgrew my dress 48 hours before The Day. The most horrifying experience I had was when we tried on The Dress and couldn’t zip it past my waist. It still fit in the hips and bust, same as ever, but had become too small for my waist. I think this is every bride’s worst nightmare. 

Our Fix: We let the waist seam out two inches (one inch on each side). If you have a seamstress in the family, this is not as catastrophic an event as you might think (aside from the psychological havoc – both of being too big and having one more problem to fix so soon to The Day), since most wedding dresses have an extra seam allowance for alterations. If you don’t have a seamstress handy, local department stores have a vast array of slimming underwear available for semi-reasonable prices that might do the trick. (Note: these fixes only apply if you are slightly too big for the gown... if you have completely outgrown your dress and can't get it on at all, I don't know how to help.)

A Better Fix: Don’t wait until 48 hours before The Day to try on your gown or try it on at the tailor’s shop when you pick it up. Giving yourself a little more time and having a professional handy will eliminate this problem entirely.

The Problem: All my fingernails ripped off the week before The Day. Whether through stress or work, I lost every fingernail, despite my best efforts. It made me very sad and more than a little frustrated.

The Fix: Buy press-on nails. We went to the local drug store and bought some pretty nails. Since I had never used them before, I had some problems gluing them on. So, buy an extra pack and a big bottle of nail polish remover and DON’T attempt to put them on at one o’clock in the morning. After several tries and a whine-fest to my mom, I did get them on to my satisfaction. Looking back, I’d say that putting on nails is a two-person job, so get help.

The Problem: We got locked out of the church. When we arrived two hours before the ceremony, we couldn’t get in to get ready. The Elders had locked it after their meeting (a few of them were still in the parking lot). Alas, no one had a key.

The Fix: Call someone who has a key and don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know. Thankfully, my mom had keys.

The Problem: Running Late. In this case, My Maid of Honor and I were on time, but my mom was, as she put it, “running exponentially late” everywhere she needed to be. This meant that she was a long way away with the keys to the church and she still had to run home to pick up the dresses and flowers.

The Fix: Lend a Hand. Since we were just waiting around outside a locked church, I told Mom to just come straight there to unlock it and my cousin and I would run home to pick up the dresses and flowers. This enabled Mom to get back on track and kept me from pacing nervously while waiting for someone to arrive and let us in.

The Problem: We forgot The Rings, The Marriage License, and Miscellaneous Other Things. Yeah… That was fun. Nothing like a small dose of panic right before pictures.

The Fix: Call someone to fetch it or go without.  In the case of the rings, the Beloved Husband called his dad, who was still at their house, to bring them. In the case of the marriage license, I called the Beloved Husband to run and fetch it from my house. And, in the case of my pearl necklace, I called home (hoping to catch the Beloved Husband) and found that Mom was there because she was running late, so she brought it with her. Sadly, we all forgot my tiara, so I went without it. My veil looked lovely anyways. In the end, even if you have to use someone else’s rings or have the marriage license signed the next day, you will be no less married at the end of The Day.

The Problem: My dress tore at the reception. Luckily, it was just the seam-tape on the lining of an under-layer, so it wasn’t noticeable at all. I had torn a small hole in it when my heel snagged on it earlier. That hole got caught on a chair leg and pulled out. 

The Fix: Here’s where you want that Emergency Kit. In my case, all we did was snip the loose seam-tape at the ends and I went on as usual. I gave it to a young friend as a “souvenir” (she now owns a piece of The Dress) which caused us both to laugh. If the rip is noticeable, however, I’d say use a safety pin, get someone to do a quick whip-stitch, and hope that it holds.

The Problem: Our sound system malfunctioned. Thankfully, this did NOT happen to me. It did, however, happen to my cousin at her wedding reception.

The Fix: Have a good attitude about it. She and her husband danced their first dance with no music. It really was very sweet. After that, they posed for an exaggerated sad-face photo. I think we eventually found an old boom box and used that to provide other dance tunes.

So there we are, fixes to problems we have faced. These kinds of problems are annoying as all get-out, but they can’t ruin your day unless you let them. Like I said earlier – in spite of whatever may go wrong, you’ll be no less married at the end of it all.

Long Sought After Advice From The Groom

In true Beloved Husband fashion, the advice is short and sweet.

• Be Flexible. “What you want is not as important as what she wants,” he says. “Be prepared to be overridden.”
• Be Supportive. “You need to back her up. You can point out to her when she’s wrong, but other people need to know that you’re on her side.”
• Be Willing to Listen. Pretty self-explanatory, that one is.

Run-Ins With The Industry

The Wedding Industry has skittered through our posts, popping up here and there as we’ve discussed how to throw a wedding. In our household, it is spoken of in flat and derisive tones.

While I used a few mainstream sites like The Knot and Bridal Guide Magazine to gain access to photo galleries, almost from the beginning, Mom and I decided to disregard anything that The Industry had to offer us.

The reason we have so little use for The Industry is that it has taken what should be a happy, simple affair and turned it into a lavish, entertainment extravaganza. Brides are encouraged to overspend and outdo one another in keeping up with the latest trends. Sure, the sites offer “Budget Tips”, but all of them assume that you’re going to be dumping $20,000 or more on “your special day”. I did frequently check the budgeting sections of the two sites that I mentioned. Sadly, the only tip that they had for a bride looking to throw a wedding for $5,000 was “invite 50 people or fewer.” Sorry, guys…that’s not even my whole family, much less the groom’s side and family friends.

There was one store we visited that epitomized everything annoying to us about The Wedding Industry. Upon arrival, we were greeted by a woman in her late-forties. We told her we were looking for Gilda (the lady who had sold me my dress – she had moved to a new location and was sharing space with another shop). The woman told us that Gilda wasn’t in and asked what we were looking for. “White pumps” I replied. It turned out, they didn’t have shoes, but they did have everything else.

"What about bridesmaids dresses?" she asked.

"We've got that covered," said I.

"Tuxes for the boys?"

"We're doing suits. It’s all taken care of, thanks."

"Mother-of-the-Bride Dress?" she asked, turning to Mom.

"Still looking, but we've already got something in mind," replied Mom, edging towards the door.

The lady gave us a pitch about Mother-of-the-Bride dresses that included the phrase, “You do want to look sexy, of course”. Our smiles became slightly more strained, but we laughed and thanked her for her advice.

"What about the honeymoon?" she burst out as we turned to leave. "I'm a travel coordinator, you know. Here's my card; give it to your fiancé. I can't tell you how many panicked grooms have come in at the last minute needing help!"

"Thanks," I smiled, taking the card.

"In fact, I have some brochures! Let me get them for you! Here, come with me!"

With a shrug, I followed her to the counter as she prattled on about some other service that she could offer. Handing me a wad of papers, the woman laughed and said,

"Have you registered, then?"

" 'Scuse me?" I asked, confused by yet another abrupt change in topic.

"For your honeymoon! You set up an online registry... some folks buy your tickets, others buy your hotel rooms or a day at the spa..."

This has got to be one of the few times I’ve been rendered speechless. I could feel my cheeks and neck heat up as I let out that shrill laugh that heralds an impending meltdown of the speech facilities and stammered,

"Oh, we won't be doing that. My family is just old-fashioned enough that they would look at me and go, 'How could you?'"

"Ah, yes..." The woman let out a brittle laugh as we reached my mother and the door.

We laughed about this woman and her hard sell approach the entire way home. On the plus side, we did get the business card of the tailor who hemmed my Dress, so perhaps The Industry isn’t completely useless.

Buy something! Buy anything! Buy it now!!!!

I should say now that there is a difference between a salesperson who is confident in their knowledge about their product and a pushy salesperson. Just because a salesperson suggests a product you haven’t come in to buy does not make them pushy. For example, our tailor was a very confident man. He showed us what he planned on doing to The Dress and why. When he suggested that I use a petticoat, we agreed to try it on. Sure enough, The Dress fit better and had smoother lines, so we rented the slip. The difference between him and the woman at the other store is that he recognized a need and offered to fill it while she just wanted to sell us something, anything, anything at all in the wedding realm. 

Overall, both Mom and I have reached the conclusion that The Industry has mutated from something useful and helpful to an entity that's just in it for the money. To be fair, there are some individuals within The Industry who are there because they love weddings and are passionate about helping brides and grooms alike. Gilda and Brian, our photographer, are two such people. 

For the most part though, it's seeming more and more like wedding vendors just want as much money as we will give them, with little regard for what we actually need. On the flip-side, brides are buying into the lie that "it's all about Me" that is so popular these days. Sadly, The Industry encourages this (after all, brides who want to one-up everyone else will spend more money).

Whether or not you use mainstream vendors is entirely up to you. Like I pointed out, there are helpful individuals and sites out there - just harder to find. Mom and I simply didn't have the time or energy to wade through everything we didn't want to find the gems out there.

The Dubious Merits of Being a "Bridezilla"

The definition of “Bridezilla” is: a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves aggravated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake.

This is, for the most part, something we want to avoid. However, being a bride who knows exactly what she wants is not necessarily a bad thing.

See, I come from the opposite end of the spectrum. I was the equally frustrating “Mouse-Bride”. I was so terrified of being seen as a “Bridezilla” that I tip-toed around everyone, waffled on decisions, and never really made it known what I wanted. This caused a lot of frustration for my mother and contributed to many of our communication difficulties.

One area where this behavior caused problems was the inclusion of pew bows. I didn’t want pew bows. Never did really. But when a friend very graciously offered to let us use hers, I had a hard time saying a definite “no”. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and so I mumbled and hedged for six months. My poor mom would ask about once a month whether she should go get the bows and finally, in frustration, I snapped “No!” Imagine her relief to finally get a definite answer!

So here’s what I learned (it took almost the whole engagement period, but I learned it): it is okay to know exactly what you want. So many horror stories are told about brides who won’t compromise or bend to the people around them, but I think that brides who refuse to give concrete opinions are just as frustrating (I was one of them). While it’s never acceptable to be rude or dismissive, a heart-felt “thank you so much, but we have that covered” is perfectly fine. Don’t try to be so agreeable that you fail to communicate what you want. In most cases, the people offering their help want to please you, so knowing what you want is helpful. If you don’t want something, tell them (nicely of course) right off the bat instead of hemming and hawing in an attempt to “be nice”.

The Wedding Industry has really set the modern bride up for a fall. With many salespeople who won’t take no for an answer, brides can be forced into a position of being rude to withstand the pressure to buy gimmicks they don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle as vendors grow pushier to deal with inflexible brides and the brides grow more stubborn in order to get what they want from vendors. On top of that, TV shows like “Bridezilla” portray the worst of the bratty brides and set up the expectation that all brides are entitled and even expected to behave that way.

The biggest thing is, choose carefully when to bend and when to hold your ground. For example, if you know that there’s a precious family heirloom your mother would want you to incorporate, I would say do so, but if someone wants to rearrange your whole color scheme, it would be best to be firm about what you want.

 

Remember, just because something isn’t originally in your “vision” doesn’t make it an instant candidate for rejection. In my case, I was offered a crocheted tablecloth that had been used in many family weddings. I hadn’t originally planned on using it, but I knew it would mean a lot to the aunt who offered it, so I incorporated it into the reception. It fit beautifully with what I had planned, and we all went away happy.

On the other hand, you had your “vision” for a reason and you’ll end up being one dissatisfied bride if you allow others to pull you too far away from it. Once again, in my case, I wanted a mainly monochromatic palette – just hunter green, silver, and white. I had seen pictures of weddings with that stark contrast and thought that it looked very elegant and stylish. Mom insisted that there needed to be some sort of accent color. We went round and round on the issue. I finally agreed to put some pale lavender flowers in my bouquet and a few sprigs of lavender around the centerpieces, putting just enough color in that Mom was happy, but it didn’t change that nice contrast that I wanted. This is the type of compromise that leaves both parties, if not happy, then at least satisfied.

In the end, there are always going to be people who accuse you of being rude, dismissive, hurtful, or inflexible. While you want to do everything in your power to avoid actually being those things, you also don't want to swing to the other side and agree to everything in an attempt to please and placate those around you. You won't be happy and they won't be happy. It's all about taking people's feelings into consideration, and that includes your own.