Toasts, Speeches, and Captive Audiences

The speech given by the Best Man at my daughter’s wedding was a good one. It was sincere, affectionate, and genuinely touching in many ways. I say this right up front because, though the toast given by the Best Man is not something the bride’s family traditionally dictates, I definitely had opinions on what I hoped it would be, so we were all very pleased when the speech turned out so well.

Perhaps our readers will forgive me for this kind of interference, but the new "etiquette" being encouraged by magazines and web sites is almost universally awful. Nearly everything I was reading suggested that the Best Man was responsible for coming up with some kind of entertaining monologue designed to elicit laughter and tears from an audience rather than simply wishing the bride and groom happiness on behalf of the guests. Additionally, I’d been to receptions where the toast resembled more of a “roast” which left guests stunned by ribald stories better suited to a bachelor party. I’d also been to receptions where the Best Man, obviously unprepared for the responsibility of proposing a toast, mumbled a few unintelligible words before lifting his glass and then shrinking into his seat leaving guests wondering just what they had actually toasted. At still other receptions I’d been held captive by numerous speech givers who regaled guests for upwards of 20 minutes with story after story about the couple yet none of them proposed a toast. I could go on but I won’t. Suffice to say, I haven’t been to many wedding receptions in the past decade where anyone knew what a toast was much less how to deliver one.

Apparently, I’m not alone. I know of one couple who asked the Best Man and Maid of Honor to submit their speeches for approval before The Day. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Since the art of proposing a toast seems almost lost in recent years, and given the amount of bad advice so prevalent in the wedding industry, I don’t think it’s out of the question for a bride and groom to ask the Best Man what he intends to say beforehand. It’s not unreasonable for the couple to insist on having some input as well as veto power. My daughter and her husband did not wish to dictate a toast to their Best Man and, happily, his speech was one of which we could all be proud.

Having said all that, I’d like to offer up what I consider are some good suggestions regarding wedding toasts. It’s true, some of these are just my opinion and fly directly in the face of current wedding culture, but as someone who has been to a few weddings over the years and seen more than a few disastrous “toasts”, I don’t consider myself unqualified to offer them.

• The toast should be three minutes or less in duration. Anything longer than this borders on a sermon and your guests did not come to your reception to hear a sermon.

• The toast should actually wish the couple happiness and success! There is no rule of etiquette that says the toast must be humorous or entertaining in any way. And not all Best Men or even Maids of Honor are good public speakers much less accomplished comedians. Keep it sweet, to the point, and ask others to join you. Wish the couple well already!

• It’s up to the bride, of course, but there really only needs to be one speaker and one toast. As charming as she may think it would be to have six different friends and family members speak their hearts, the rest of the guests will vacillate between caring a little and not caring at all about what they have to say. Since the toast necessarily requires that all other conversation cease, the party is basically on hold until the speech-making is done. Have mercy on your guests.

• On the same note, giving a microphone to someone so elderly or someone so young that they can’t articulate a coherent word and then asking them to share their thoughts is pure torture to your guests. Don’t do it.

• Do not tell inside jokes. I’ve been to more than one reception where the bulk of the toast relied on being “in the know” with the couple. If a speaker is going to use these kinds of anecdotes have the courtesy to give those who are not part of the inner circle enough back story so that we may laugh along with you. Better still, avoid this kind of anecdote altogether. 

• Not many will want to hear childhood stories about the couple. Most of the guests probably know them already. Don’t do it. 

• No one wants to hear raunchy stories about the couple. This is not the time or the place. Don’t do it.

I would only add that there are many good books in the library on making toasts that will provide instruction on how to propose a proper toast. Stick with tried and true social forms and remember that the guests at a wedding should not be treated like a captive audience. Treat them the way you would want to be treated at a reception, with kindness and respect.

Onward Into Marriage!

Throughout the wedding planning, I had a saying that I used often:

“The ceremony is for my family and friends. The reception is for my guests. The marriage afterwards is for me.”

This became a repeated phrase that helped me to compromise when needed and not get worked up when I didn’t get my way. When talking about this saying, Mom and I decided that it deserved an entry of its own.

The ceremony is for family and friends. Of course the ceremony is also for the bride and groom, but it’s really a communal event. Watching you and your husband vow to love and respect each other means a lot to the people who care about you, who have watched you grow up, and who have been long-standing parts of your life. So, include them. I don’t mean shape your entire wedding ceremony to please them, but rather, to think about what their being present will mean. I’ve mentioned before that my mom, grandmothers, and a few dear family friends really appreciated that I chose to put sleeves on my gown – a small thing that enhanced their enjoyment of the day.

The reception is for the guests. While the color scheme, food, and atmosphere are your call, this really isn’t your party. Your parents (or you, depending on who paid for it all) are the hosts, and you are the Guest of Honor. This means that you don’t get to sit with your friends and chat all night – you’re responsible for greeting all of your guests and making sure that they know how much you appreciate them being there. And, don’t forget, you’ll be leaving early! So, while the party is for you, it’s not yours to enjoy in the same way that you would enjoy a birthday party or other big get-together. This being the case, take your guests’ feelings into consideration. For example, I originally wasn’t planning to have dancing (the Beloved Husband and I don’t dance), but so many of our friends enjoy dancing that I decided to include it. Despite my shyness and self-consciousness, I found I was so happy that I didn’t mind our First Dance in the least and my guests had fun. Another thing to consider is providing food that appeals to everyone. You won’t be able to please everyone with every single dish, but this is as easy as making sure there is enough variety that a meat-lover will have just as much to eat as your vegetarian friends, or that there’s at least one milk-free dish for your lactose-intolerant cousin.

The marriage afterwards is for you. A lot of my advice in this blog has been to take other peoples’ feelings into consideration and to compromise. Well, good news! Now that you’re married, the only person you have to compromise with is with your spouse. The marriage is for the three of you (you, your spouse, and God) alone – no one else gets to interfere. This doesn’t mean rejecting good advice out of hand, but it does mean that the running of your household, mealtimes, bedtimes, china patterns, and baby names are up to you. People will have opinions on these, but you’re allowed to disregard them – unless it’s your spouse!

There is a wonderful scene in the A&E adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice where, after some particularly strident advice from Lady Catherine de Bourgh, an older lady who loves to meddle, a young woman feels the need to repack her wardrobe. Upon seeing this, the irrepressible Lizzy offers this advice.

"Maria, this is your trunk; these are your gowns! You may arrange them in any way you wish. Lady Catherine will never know!"

I would say the same thing about a new marriage.

“Newlyweds, these are your decisions, this is your life! You may arrange it in any way you wish. (Insert name) will never know!”

You're cooking what for dinner??

As always, people who love you will give advice, and if they see you making a mistake that they’ve made in their own marriage, they will want to guide you. These bits of wisdom are valuable and should not be lightly disregarded. Anyone who wants to rearrange your spice cabinet, however, is out of line and you are well within your rights to smile, nod, and go on your merry way.

Some Additional Thoughts and Tips

A wedding invitation is a wonderful way to forgive a grudge and should not be used as a tool to solidify a grudge.

The act of boiling water, brewing a cup of tea, and sitting down to drink it is a good way to rejuvenate oneself in the middle of wedding planning. It takes all of 15 minutes but it can be a real stress breaker/energy booster.

Sharing that cup of tea with the bride provides time to pause and simply enjoy one another’s company in the midst of all the planning.

Including the groom’s mother in some of the nicer tasks or shopping trips is fun and a good idea.

Sending the groom home to visit with his mother during the week leading up to the wedding is also a good idea.

It’s wise to enlist as much help as you can, even more than you think you need, because there will always be some small details that you will overlook in the hustle and bustle of The Day but which will be taken care of by an observant helper.

Take time each day to brush your cat or dog, talk to your chickens, water a plant, or otherwise direct some affectionate attention to something unrelated to the wedding. This is a wonderful stress reliever and ensures they won’t be neglected during the weeks of planning!

If a friend offers to drive you around on The Day, say yes! It’s a blessing not to have to worry about transportation and parking in those last hectic hours.

Eating a light meal before getting ready for the ceremony is a good idea. This goes for everyone – bride, groom, and family.

There will always be someone who complains or criticizes. When confronted by these people it’s best to let them finish what they have to say, calmly reply, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” and move on. Some folks simply cannot be pleased.

Keeping hot water for tea or coffee and a plate of cookies in the dressing room before the start of the ceremony is a good idea.

A bride who is willing to cheerfully help others when they are running late will find that her wedding runs more smoothly.

Sometimes the last minute compromise is better than the carefully crafted plan.

Remember this: weddings may be stressful but they can’t kill you.

A Bride's Troubleshooting Manual

Rest assured, something will go wrong on The Day, Because of this, a lot of magazines and web sites tell brides to have an emergency kit of some sort containing everything from safety pins to duct tape. It’s good advice. I’ll admit, I didn’t have one (making one got lost in the hustle and bustle), but thankfully I didn't need one.

Still, despite the Emergency Kit being a good idea, there are very few specific examples of what can or has gone wrong at a wedding. So, Ta-Dah!! Here is a list of my bumps and hitches and their fixes.

The Problem: I outgrew my dress 48 hours before The Day. The most horrifying experience I had was when we tried on The Dress and couldn’t zip it past my waist. It still fit in the hips and bust, same as ever, but had become too small for my waist. I think this is every bride’s worst nightmare. 

Our Fix: We let the waist seam out two inches (one inch on each side). If you have a seamstress in the family, this is not as catastrophic an event as you might think (aside from the psychological havoc – both of being too big and having one more problem to fix so soon to The Day), since most wedding dresses have an extra seam allowance for alterations. If you don’t have a seamstress handy, local department stores have a vast array of slimming underwear available for semi-reasonable prices that might do the trick. (Note: these fixes only apply if you are slightly too big for the gown... if you have completely outgrown your dress and can't get it on at all, I don't know how to help.)

A Better Fix: Don’t wait until 48 hours before The Day to try on your gown or try it on at the tailor’s shop when you pick it up. Giving yourself a little more time and having a professional handy will eliminate this problem entirely.

The Problem: All my fingernails ripped off the week before The Day. Whether through stress or work, I lost every fingernail, despite my best efforts. It made me very sad and more than a little frustrated.

The Fix: Buy press-on nails. We went to the local drug store and bought some pretty nails. Since I had never used them before, I had some problems gluing them on. So, buy an extra pack and a big bottle of nail polish remover and DON’T attempt to put them on at one o’clock in the morning. After several tries and a whine-fest to my mom, I did get them on to my satisfaction. Looking back, I’d say that putting on nails is a two-person job, so get help.

The Problem: We got locked out of the church. When we arrived two hours before the ceremony, we couldn’t get in to get ready. The Elders had locked it after their meeting (a few of them were still in the parking lot). Alas, no one had a key.

The Fix: Call someone who has a key and don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know. Thankfully, my mom had keys.

The Problem: Running Late. In this case, My Maid of Honor and I were on time, but my mom was, as she put it, “running exponentially late” everywhere she needed to be. This meant that she was a long way away with the keys to the church and she still had to run home to pick up the dresses and flowers.

The Fix: Lend a Hand. Since we were just waiting around outside a locked church, I told Mom to just come straight there to unlock it and my cousin and I would run home to pick up the dresses and flowers. This enabled Mom to get back on track and kept me from pacing nervously while waiting for someone to arrive and let us in.

The Problem: We forgot The Rings, The Marriage License, and Miscellaneous Other Things. Yeah… That was fun. Nothing like a small dose of panic right before pictures.

The Fix: Call someone to fetch it or go without.  In the case of the rings, the Beloved Husband called his dad, who was still at their house, to bring them. In the case of the marriage license, I called the Beloved Husband to run and fetch it from my house. And, in the case of my pearl necklace, I called home (hoping to catch the Beloved Husband) and found that Mom was there because she was running late, so she brought it with her. Sadly, we all forgot my tiara, so I went without it. My veil looked lovely anyways. In the end, even if you have to use someone else’s rings or have the marriage license signed the next day, you will be no less married at the end of The Day.

The Problem: My dress tore at the reception. Luckily, it was just the seam-tape on the lining of an under-layer, so it wasn’t noticeable at all. I had torn a small hole in it when my heel snagged on it earlier. That hole got caught on a chair leg and pulled out. 

The Fix: Here’s where you want that Emergency Kit. In my case, all we did was snip the loose seam-tape at the ends and I went on as usual. I gave it to a young friend as a “souvenir” (she now owns a piece of The Dress) which caused us both to laugh. If the rip is noticeable, however, I’d say use a safety pin, get someone to do a quick whip-stitch, and hope that it holds.

The Problem: Our sound system malfunctioned. Thankfully, this did NOT happen to me. It did, however, happen to my cousin at her wedding reception.

The Fix: Have a good attitude about it. She and her husband danced their first dance with no music. It really was very sweet. After that, they posed for an exaggerated sad-face photo. I think we eventually found an old boom box and used that to provide other dance tunes.

So there we are, fixes to problems we have faced. These kinds of problems are annoying as all get-out, but they can’t ruin your day unless you let them. Like I said earlier – in spite of whatever may go wrong, you’ll be no less married at the end of it all.