Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Toasts, Speeches, and Captive Audiences

The speech given by the Best Man at my daughter’s wedding was a good one. It was sincere, affectionate, and genuinely touching in many ways. I say this right up front because, though the toast given by the Best Man is not something the bride’s family traditionally dictates, I definitely had opinions on what I hoped it would be, so we were all very pleased when the speech turned out so well.

Perhaps our readers will forgive me for this kind of interference, but the new "etiquette" being encouraged by magazines and web sites is almost universally awful. Nearly everything I was reading suggested that the Best Man was responsible for coming up with some kind of entertaining monologue designed to elicit laughter and tears from an audience rather than simply wishing the bride and groom happiness on behalf of the guests. Additionally, I’d been to receptions where the toast resembled more of a “roast” which left guests stunned by ribald stories better suited to a bachelor party. I’d also been to receptions where the Best Man, obviously unprepared for the responsibility of proposing a toast, mumbled a few unintelligible words before lifting his glass and then shrinking into his seat leaving guests wondering just what they had actually toasted. At still other receptions I’d been held captive by numerous speech givers who regaled guests for upwards of 20 minutes with story after story about the couple yet none of them proposed a toast. I could go on but I won’t. Suffice to say, I haven’t been to many wedding receptions in the past decade where anyone knew what a toast was much less how to deliver one.

Apparently, I’m not alone. I know of one couple who asked the Best Man and Maid of Honor to submit their speeches for approval before The Day. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Since the art of proposing a toast seems almost lost in recent years, and given the amount of bad advice so prevalent in the wedding industry, I don’t think it’s out of the question for a bride and groom to ask the Best Man what he intends to say beforehand. It’s not unreasonable for the couple to insist on having some input as well as veto power. My daughter and her husband did not wish to dictate a toast to their Best Man and, happily, his speech was one of which we could all be proud.

Having said all that, I’d like to offer up what I consider are some good suggestions regarding wedding toasts. It’s true, some of these are just my opinion and fly directly in the face of current wedding culture, but as someone who has been to a few weddings over the years and seen more than a few disastrous “toasts”, I don’t consider myself unqualified to offer them.

  • The toast should be three minutes or less in duration. Anything longer than this borders on a sermon and your guests did not come to your reception to hear a sermon.
  • The toast should actually wish the couple happiness and success! There is no rule of etiquette that says the toast must be humorous or entertaining in any way. And not all Best Men or even Maids of Honor are good public speakers much less accomplished comedians. Keep it sweet, to the point, and ask others to join you. Wish the couple well already!
  • It’s up to the bride, of course, but there really only needs to be one speaker and one toast. As charming as she may think it would be to have six different friends and family members speak their hearts, the rest of the guests will vacillate between caring a little and not caring at all about what they have to say. Since the toast necessarily requires that all other conversation cease, the party is basically on hold until the speech-making is done. Have mercy on your guests.
  • On the same note, giving a microphone to someone so elderly or someone so young that they can’t articulate a coherent word and then asking them to share their thoughts is pure torture to your guests. Don’t do it.
  • Do not tell inside jokes. I’ve been to more than one reception where the bulk of the toast relied on being “in the know” with the couple. If a speaker is going to use these kinds of anecdotes have the courtesy to give those who are not part of the inner circle enough back story so that we may laugh along with you. Better still, avoid this kind of anecdote altogether. 
  • Not many will want to hear childhood stories about the couple. Most of the guests probably know them already. Don’t do it. 
  • No one wants to hear raunchy stories about the couple. This is not the time or the place. Don’t do it.
I would only add that there are many good books in the library on making toasts that will provide instruction on how to propose a proper toast. Stick with tried and true social forms and remember that the guests at a wedding should not be treated like a captive audience. Treat them the way you would want to be treated at a reception, with kindness and respect.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Onward Into Marriage!

Throughout the wedding planning, I had a saying that I used often:

“The ceremony is for my family and friends. The reception is for my guests. The marriage afterwards is for me.”

This became a repeated phrase that helped me to compromise when needed and not get worked up when I didn’t get my way. When talking about this saying, Mom and I decided that it deserved an entry of its own.

The ceremony is for family and friends. Of course the ceremony is also for the bride and groom, but it’s really a communal event. Watching you and your husband vow to love and respect each other means a lot to the people who care about you, who have watched you grow up, and who have been long-standing parts of your life. So, include them. I don’t mean shape your entire wedding ceremony to please them, but rather, to think about what their being present will mean. I’ve mentioned before that my mom, grandmothers, and a few dear family friends really appreciated that I chose to put sleeves on my gown – a small thing that enhanced their enjoyment of the day.

The reception is for the guests. While the color scheme, food, and atmosphere are your call, this really isn’t your party. Your parents (or you, depending on who paid for it all) are the hosts, and you are the Guest of Honor. This means that you don’t get to sit with your friends and chat all night – you’re responsible for greeting all of your guests and making sure that they know how much you appreciate them being there. And, don’t forget, you’ll be leaving early! So, while the party is for you, it’s not yours to enjoy in the same way that you would enjoy a birthday party or other big get-together. This being the case, take your guests’ feelings into consideration. For example, I originally wasn’t planning to have dancing (the Beloved Husband and I don’t dance), but so many of our friends enjoy dancing that I decided to include it. Despite my shyness and self-consciousness, I found I was so happy that I didn’t mind our First Dance in the least and my guests had fun. Another thing to consider is providing food that appeals to everyone. You won’t be able to please everyone with every single dish, but this is as easy as making sure there is enough variety that a meat-lover will have just as much to eat as your vegetarian friends, or that there’s at least one milk-free dish for your lactose-intolerant cousin.

The marriage afterwards is for you. A lot of my advice in this blog has been to take other peoples’ feelings into consideration and to compromise. Well, good news! Now that you’re married, the only person you have to compromise with is with your spouse. The marriage is for the three of you (you, your spouse, and God) alone – no one else gets to interfere. This doesn’t mean rejecting good advice out of hand, but it does mean that the running of your household, mealtimes, bedtimes, china patterns, and baby names are up to you. People will have opinions on these, but you’re allowed to disregard them – unless it’s your spouse!

There is a wonderful scene in the A&E adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice where, after some particularly strident advice from Lady Catherine de Bourgh, an older lady who loves to meddle, a young woman feels the need to repack her wardrobe. Upon seeing this, the irrepressible Lizzy offers this advice.

"Maria, this is your trunk; these are your gowns! You may arrange them in any way you wish. Lady Catherine will never know!"

I would say the same thing about a new marriage.

“Newlyweds, these are your decisions, this is your life! You may arrange it in any way you wish. (Insert name) will never know!”


You're cooking what for dinner??

As always, people who love you will give advice, and if they see you making a mistake that they’ve made in their own marriage, they will want to guide you. These bits of wisdom are valuable and should not be lightly disregarded. Anyone who wants to rearrange your spice cabinet, however, is out of line and you are well within your rights to smile, nod, and go on your merry way.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Some Additional Thoughts and Tips

A wedding invitation is a wonderful way to forgive a grudge and should not be used as a tool to solidify a grudge.

The act of boiling water, brewing a cup of tea, and sitting down to drink it is a good way to rejuvenate oneself in the middle of wedding planning. It takes all of 15 minutes but it can be a real stress breaker/energy booster.

Sharing that cup of tea with the bride provides time to pause and simply enjoy one another’s company in the midst of all the planning.

Including the groom’s mother in some of the nicer tasks or shopping trips is fun and a good idea.

Sending the groom home to visit with his mother during the week leading up to the wedding is also a good idea.

It’s wise to enlist as much help as you can, even more than you think you need, because there will always be some small details that you will overlook in the hustle and bustle of The Day but which will be taken care of by an observant helper.

Take time each day to brush your cat or dog, talk to your chickens, water a plant, or otherwise direct some affectionate attention to something unrelated to the wedding. This is a wonderful stress reliever and ensures they won’t be neglected during the weeks of planning!

If a friend offers to drive you around on The Day, say yes! It’s a blessing not to have to worry about transportation and parking in those last hectic hours.

Eating a light meal before getting ready for the ceremony is a good idea. This goes for everyone – bride, groom, and family.

There will always be someone who complains or criticizes. When confronted by these people it’s best to let them finish what they have to say, calmly reply, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” and move on. Some folks simply cannot be pleased.

Keeping hot water for tea or coffee and a plate of cookies in the dressing room before the start of the ceremony is a good idea.

A bride who is willing to cheerfully help others when they are running late will find that her wedding runs more smoothly.

Sometimes the last minute compromise is better than the carefully crafted plan.

Remember this: weddings may be stressful but they can’t kill you.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A Bride's Troubleshooting Manual

Rest assured, something will go wrong on The Day, Because of this, a lot of magazines and web sites tell brides to have an emergency kit of some sort containing everything from safety pins to duct tape. It’s good advice. I’ll admit, I didn’t have one (making one got lost in the hustle and bustle), but thankfully I didn't need one.

Still, despite the Emergency Kit being a good idea, there are very few specific examples of what can or has gone wrong at a wedding. So, Ta-Dah!! Here is a list of my bumps and hitches and their fixes.

The Problem: I outgrew my dress 48 hours before The Day. The most horrifying experience I had was when we tried on The Dress and couldn’t zip it past my waist. It still fit in the hips and bust, same as ever, but had become too small for my waist. I think this is every bride’s worst nightmare. 
Our Fix: We let the waist seam out two inches (one inch on each side). If you have a seamstress in the family, this is not as catastrophic an event as you might think (aside from the psychological havoc – both of being too big and having one more problem to fix so soon to The Day), since most wedding dresses have an extra seam allowance for alterations. If you don’t have a seamstress handy, local department stores have a vast array of slimming underwear available for semi-reasonable prices that might do the trick. (Note: these fixes only apply if you are slightly too big for the gown... if you have completely outgrown your dress and can't get it on at all, I don't know how to help.)
A Better Fix: Don’t wait until 48 hours before The Day to try on your gown or try it on at the tailor’s shop when you pick it up. Giving yourself a little more time and having a professional handy will eliminate this problem entirely.

The Problem: All my fingernails ripped off the week before The Day. Whether through stress or work, I lost every fingernail, despite my best efforts. It made me very sad and more than a little frustrated.
The Fix: Buy press-on nails. We went to the local drug store and bought some pretty nails. Since I had never used them before, I had some problems gluing them on. So, buy an extra pack and a big bottle of nail polish remover and DON’T attempt to put them on at one o’clock in the morning. After several tries and a whine-fest to my mom, I did get them on to my satisfaction. Looking back, I’d say that putting on nails is a two-person job, so get help.

The Problem: We got locked out of the church. When we arrived two hours before the ceremony, we couldn’t get in to get ready. The Elders had locked it after their meeting (a few of them were still in the parking lot). Alas, no one had a key.
The Fix: Call someone who has a key and don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know. Thankfully, my mom had keys.

The Problem: Running Late. In this case, My Maid of Honor and I were on time, but my mom was, as she put it, “running exponentially late” everywhere she needed to be. This meant that she was a long way away with the keys to the church and she still had to run home to pick up the dresses and flowers.
The Fix: Lend a Hand. Since we were just waiting around outside a locked church, I told Mom to just come straight there to unlock it and my cousin and I would run home to pick up the dresses and flowers. This enabled Mom to get back on track and kept me from pacing nervously while waiting for someone to arrive and let us in.

The Problem: We forgot The Rings, The Marriage License, and Miscellaneous Other Things. Yeah… That was fun. Nothing like a small dose of panic right before pictures.
The Fix: Call someone to fetch it or go without.  In the case of the rings, the Beloved Husband called his dad, who was still at their house, to bring them. In the case of the marriage license, I called the Beloved Husband to run and fetch it from my house. And, in the case of my pearl necklace, I called home (hoping to catch the Beloved Husband) and found that Mom was there because she was running late, so she brought it with her. Sadly, we all forgot my tiara, so I went without it. My veil looked lovely anyways. In the end, even if you have to use someone else’s rings or have the marriage license signed the next day, you will be no less married at the end of The Day.

The Problem: My dress tore at the reception. Luckily, it was just the seam-tape on the lining of an under-layer, so it wasn’t noticeable at all. I had torn a small hole in it when my heel snagged on it earlier. That hole got caught on a chair leg and pulled out. 
The Fix: Here’s where you want that Emergency Kit. In my case, all we did was snip the loose seam-tape at the ends and I went on as usual. I gave it to a young friend as a “souvenir” (she now owns a piece of The Dress) which caused us both to laugh. If the rip is noticeable, however, I’d say use a safety pin, get someone to do a quick whip-stitch, and hope that it holds.

The Problem: Our sound system malfunctioned. Thankfully, this did NOT happen to me. It did, however, happen to my cousin at her wedding reception.
The Fix: Have a good attitude about it. She and her husband danced their first dance with no music. It really was very sweet. After that, they posed for an exaggerated sad-face photo. I think we eventually found an old boom box and used that to provide other dance tunes.

So there we are, fixes to problems we have faced. These kinds of problems are annoying as all get-out, but they can’t ruin your day unless you let them. Like I said earlier – in spite of whatever may go wrong, you’ll be no less married at the end of it all.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Long Sought After Advice From The Groom

In true Beloved Husband fashion, the advice is short and sweet.

  • Be Flexible. “What you want is not as important as what she wants,” he says. “Be prepared to be overridden.”
  • Be Supportive. “You need to back her up. You can point out to her when she’s wrong, but other people need to know that you’re on her side.”
  • Be Willing to Listen. Pretty self-explanatory, that one is.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Run-Ins With The Industry

The Wedding Industry has skittered through our posts, popping up here and there as we’ve discussed how to throw a wedding. In our household, it is spoken of in flat and derisive tones.

While I used a few mainstream sites like The Knot and Bridal Guide Magazine to gain access to photo galleries, almost from the beginning, Mom and I decided to disregard anything that The Industry had to offer us.

The reason we have so little use for The Industry is that it has taken what should be a happy, simple affair and turned it into a lavish, entertainment extravaganza. Brides are encouraged to overspend and outdo one another in keeping up with the latest trends. Sure, the sites offer “Budget Tips”, but all of them assume that you’re going to be dumping $20,000 or more on “your special day”. I did frequently check the budgeting sections of the two sites that I mentioned. Sadly, the only tip that they had for a bride looking to throw a wedding for $5,000 was “invite 50 people or fewer.” Sorry, guys…that’s not even my whole family, much less the groom’s side and family friends.

There was one store we visited that epitomized everything annoying to us about The Wedding Industry. Upon arrival, we were greeted by a woman in her late-forties. We told her we were looking for Gilda (the lady who had sold me my dress – she had moved to a new location and was sharing space with another shop). The woman told us that Gilda wasn’t in and asked what we were looking for. “White pumps” I replied. It turned out, they didn’t have shoes, but they did have everything else.

"What about bridesmaids dresses?" she asked.
"We've got that covered," said I.
"Tuxes for the boys?"
"We're doing suits. It’s all taken care of, thanks."
"Mother-of-the-Bride Dress?" she asked, turning to Mom.
"Still looking, but we've already got something in mind," replied Mom, edging towards the door.

The lady gave us a pitch about Mother-of-the-Bride dresses that included the phrase, “You do want to look sexy, of course”. Our smiles became slightly more strained, but we laughed and thanked her for her advice.

"What about the honeymoon?" she burst out as we turned to leave. "I'm a travel coordinator, you know. Here's my card; give it to your fiancé. I can't tell you how many panicked grooms have come in at the last minute needing help!"
"Thanks," I smiled, taking the card.
"In fact, I have some brochures! Let me get them for you! Here, come with me!"

With a shrug, I followed her to the counter as she prattled on about some other service that she could offer. Handing me a wad of papers, the woman laughed and said,

"Have you registered, then?"
" 'Scuse me?" I asked, confused by yet another abrupt change in topic.
"For your honeymoon! You set up an online registry... some folks buy your tickets, others buy your hotel rooms or a day at the spa..."

This has got to be one of the few times I’ve been rendered speechless. I could feel my cheeks and neck heat up as I let out that shrill laugh that heralds an impending meltdown of the speech facilities and stammered,

"Oh, we won't be doing that. My family is just old-fashioned enough that they would look at me and go, 'How could you?'"
"Ah, yes..." The woman let out a brittle laugh as we reached my mother and the door.

We laughed about this woman and her hard sell approach the entire way home. On the plus side, we did get the business card of the tailor who hemmed my Dress, so perhaps The Industry isn’t completely useless.

Buy something! Buy anything! Buy it now!!!!
I should say now that there is a difference between a salesperson who is confident in their knowledge about their product and a pushy salesperson. Just because a salesperson suggests a product you haven’t come in to buy does not make them pushy. For example, our tailor was a very confident man. He showed us what he planned on doing to The Dress and why. When he suggested that I use a petticoat, we agreed to try it on. Sure enough, The Dress fit better and had smoother lines, so we rented the slip. The difference between him and the woman at the other store is that he recognized a need and offered to fill it while she just wanted to sell us something, anything, anything at all in the wedding realm. 

Overall, both Mom and I have reached the conclusion that The Industry has mutated from something useful and helpful to an entity that's just in it for the money. To be fair, there are some individuals within The Industry who are there because they love weddings and are passionate about helping brides and grooms alike. Gilda and Brian, our photographer, are two such people. 

For the most part though, it's seeming more and more like wedding vendors just want as much money as we will give them, with little regard for what we actually need. On the flip-side, brides are buying into the lie that "it's all about Me" that is so popular these days. Sadly, The Industry encourages this (after all, brides who want to one-up everyone else will spend more money).

Whether or not you use mainstream vendors is entirely up to you. Like I pointed out, there are helpful individuals and sites out there - just harder to find. Mom and I simply didn't have the time or energy to wade through everything we didn't want to find the gems out there.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Dubious Merits of Being a "Bridezilla"

The definition of “Bridezilla” is: a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves aggravated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake.

This is, for the most part, something we want to avoid. However, being a bride who knows exactly what she wants is not necessarily a bad thing.

See, I come from the opposite end of the spectrum. I was the equally frustrating “Mouse-Bride”. I was so terrified of being seen as a “Bridezilla” that I tip-toed around everyone, waffled on decisions, and never really made it known what I wanted. This caused a lot of frustration for my mother and contributed to many of our communication difficulties.

One area where this behavior caused problems was the inclusion of pew bows. I didn’t want pew bows. Never did really. But when a friend very graciously offered to let us use hers, I had a hard time saying a definite “no”. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and so I mumbled and hedged for six months. My poor mom would ask about once a month whether she should go get the bows and finally, in frustration, I snapped “No!” Imagine her relief to finally get a definite answer!

So here’s what I learned (it took almost the whole engagement period, but I learned it): it is okay to know exactly what you want. So many horror stories are told about brides who won’t compromise or bend to the people around them, but I think that brides who refuse to give concrete opinions are just as frustrating (I was one of them). While it’s never acceptable to be rude or dismissive, a heart-felt “thank you so much, but we have that covered” is perfectly fine. Don’t try to be so agreeable that you fail to communicate what you want. In most cases, the people offering their help want to please you, so knowing what you want is helpful. If you don’t want something, tell them (nicely of course) right off the bat instead of hemming and hawing in an attempt to “be nice”.


The Wedding Industry has really set the modern bride up for a fall. With many salespeople who won’t take no for an answer, brides can be forced into a position of being rude to withstand the pressure to buy gimmicks they don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle as vendors grow pushier to deal with inflexible brides and the brides grow more stubborn in order to get what they want from vendors. On top of that, TV shows like “Bridezilla” portray the worst of the bratty brides and set up the expectation that all brides are entitled and even expected to behave that way.

The biggest thing is, choose carefully when to bend and when to hold your ground. For example, if you know that there’s a precious family heirloom your mother would want you to incorporate, I would say do so, but if someone wants to rearrange your whole color scheme, it would be best to be firm about what you want.
 
Remember, just because something isn’t originally in your “vision” doesn’t make it an instant candidate for rejection. In my case, I was offered a crocheted tablecloth that had been used in many family weddings. I hadn’t originally planned on using it, but I knew it would mean a lot to the aunt who offered it, so I incorporated it into the reception. It fit beautifully with what I had planned, and we all went away happy.

On the other hand, you had your “vision” for a reason and you’ll end up being one dissatisfied bride if you allow others to pull you too far away from it. Once again, in my case, I wanted a mainly monochromatic palette – just hunter green, silver, and white. I had seen pictures of weddings with that stark contrast and thought that it looked very elegant and stylish. Mom insisted that there needed to be some sort of accent color. We went round and round on the issue. I finally agreed to put some pale lavender flowers in my bouquet and a few sprigs of lavender around the centerpieces, putting just enough color in that Mom was happy, but it didn’t change that nice contrast that I wanted. This is the type of compromise that leaves both parties, if not happy, then at least satisfied.

In the end, there are always going to be people who accuse you of being rude, dismissive, hurtful, or inflexible. While you want to do everything in your power to avoid actually being those things, you also don't want to swing to the other side and agree to everything in an attempt to please and placate those around you. You won't be happy and they won't be happy. It's all about taking people's feelings into consideration, and that includes your own.

Monday, May 9, 2011

The Cake

The Cake is a very distinctive and important part of any wedding, in my humble opinion, and there are two kinds of wedding cake: cake that is meant to be eaten and cake that is not really meant to be eaten but is more of a decoration. We knew from the beginning that we wanted a cake that would be eaten and enjoyed.

I will not be getting into the logistics of making wedding cakes although, ever so briefly, we did consider making our own in order to save money. For the bride who is seriously thinking of making her own cake I would like to recommend Rose Levy Beranbaum's The Cake Bible and any of the Wilton brand cake decorating books. Between these two resources, she should have everything she needs to make a wedding cake except, perhaps, experience. I strongly suggest making a trial cake or two before committing to making The Cake, which is what we did, and which is what convinced us to leave such an undertaking to those who knew how to do it well.

Normally, my aunt makes the wedding cakes in our family. She has been doing this for decades and definitely knows how to make a delicious and beautiful wedding cake. She is in her late 70’s, however, and it’s become too difficult. She announced last year that she would no longer be making the family wedding cakes. My main reason for mentioning this is to assure brides that a homemade cake is perfectly acceptable! As I stated in an earlier entry, we simply could not justify spending $4 to $6 per slice to have a professionally made wedding cake no matter how stunningly beautiful it would be. On the other hand, if this is a high priority for a bride, I will not fault her for wanting a gorgeous tower of a wedding cake. Just be aware, the price can be astounding.

Since we did not deal with a professional baker who specialized in making wedding cakes, I don’t have much advice to offer here except do your homework. Research the kind of cake you want beforehand and have pictures ready that show exactly what you want. Research the kinds of questions you’ll need to ask the baker. From refrigeration space to cake stands, there are many exacting details involved when you use a professional. Some wedding web sites provide a list of questions to ask. I suggest that a bride familiarize herself with them.

Some other things to consider:
Fondant frosting is gorgeous but it can be chewy and kinda tasteless. Personally, I love the look of it but a bride should be sure to taste it before she decides on it, especially if she actually wants the cake to be eaten rather than simply admired as a piece of potentially “edible” art.

My daughter and I have been to many weddings where we saw a lot of cake uneaten on plates or thrown away in trash cans. There are two reasons for this. One, the cake isn’t all that tasty – perhaps it’s one of those sugary white cakes which delight some palates but leave others wishing for something with more flavor. And two, a standard piece of wedding cake by most baker’s standards is around two by three inches or larger. That’s a very generous slice of cake. We decided to cut our pieces of cake smaller, one by three inches, and if guests wanted more they could come back for seconds.

The bakery section at Oliver's Market on Stony Point Road. Taste testing was one "chore" we all enjoyed!
Having said all that, we knew that we wanted a delicious cake so we approached the bakers in a local grocery store known for its outstanding cake. Compared to the cost of a “wedding” cake, the price of their cake was not only reasonable, it was a steal! We looked over the bakery menu, sampled several of the cakes by purchasing individual slices, and settled on chocolate raspberry mousse cake.
There it is! The indescribably scrumptious Chocolate Raspberry Mousse Cake!
My daughter wanted “floating tiers” so we purchased a three tiered cake stand at a craft store that sold Wilton cake supplies. Using the measurements from the stand, we purchased a six inch, eight inch, and ten inch round from the bakery. We asked if these could be frosted in white buttercream instead of chocolate and the bakers were more than happy to accommodate us. It cost slightly more so we decided to have only the three round cakes frosted in white. I ordered three additional half sheets with the regular chocolate frosting. By the time these cakes were cut and plated, it would be irrelevant whether they had white or dark frosting.

We provided fresh flowers the day before the wedding and the bakers used them to decorate the rounds. We also provided a swatch of fabric so they could match the bridal colors. I must say, they did such a wonderful job, I would recommend fresh flower decorations over frosting or paste flowers any day.

We ordered the cakes a week in advance and picked them up the morning of the wedding then stored them at the reception hall until it was time to display them. Total for the cake stand, cake “topper”, and cake to feed 200 guests = $415. Yes, we had leftovers and they were delicious.

Our wedding cake -- beautiful and delicious! Thank you, Oliver's!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Stress Relief - Tips From the Bride

We thought that this little guy's face captured what we
were feeling inside perfectly
A Wedding is a stressful event – a happy one to be sure, but stressful nonetheless. As the Engagement wears on, it becomes ever more difficult to separate the good stress from the bad stress. Finally, it’s all just one big mass of stressiness that can really wear you down if you let it.

Below is a list of things I did and things I wish I had done to keep myself sane as The Day got closer.

  • Take a day off every once in a while. It becomes harder and harder to not think about your wedding, especially in the last three to four months, but that’s when it becomes crucial. If you don’t pace yourself, you can become overwhelmed and burn out. So, take a day off. Go out with the Dear Fiancé and do something fun and completely non-wedding related. In my case, I collapsed in the Now-Beloved Husband’s comfiest chair and we played video games at his house for a day. But remember, when I say “a day”, I mean a single day. Putting things off for a week will only stress you out more. In this case, Procrastination is not your friend.
  • Clean your room. This is one of the ones I wish I’d done. Being a full-time student who worked as a housekeeper three days a week and was in class the rest of the time, I didn’t have much time to pick up my room (not that I would have anyways). The result was a mass of clutter so huge that I could barely see the carpet. Every morning, I would shovel the pile onto my bed so that I could walk to and fro and every night I would shove it back onto the floor so I could sleep. Needless to say, I hated going into my room because it was in desperate need of cleaning and that was just one more thing on my plate. Your room should be your haven. It’s your place to relax and unwind – so keep it as inviting as possible.
  • Chocolate. Need I say more?
  • Exercise. If you’re not already, start. I don’t mean some punishing work-out designed to get you into the best shape of your life, but rather one that works up enough of a sweat that you feel tired afterwards (that good kind of tired that causes you to sink onto the couch with a sigh and a smile, not the painful tired that leads to stiff muscles the next day). For my part, I did a few push-ups and a couple rounds of sit-ups in my room, followed by some Pilates/Yoga stretches. It was enough to get my mind off The Wedding and that I felt good afterwards.
  • Find someone to talk (vent) to. Preferably outside the principal wedding players. Having a completely unconnected confidant allows for a more rational response to rants and prevents building conflict among the people working together to create The Day. The last thing you want is to badmouth a bridesmaid or your mother or an in-law or whomever to someone they have to work with in the future. That just creates more stress as you wonder if you’ll end up playing referee. Even if that never happens, you’ll just feel guilty about it and guilt builds stress.
  • A good cry works wonders. I was trying so hard not to be that stereotypical, melodramatic bride that I didn’t really let myself express how sad or upset certain occurrences made me. The end result of that was a brief, but intense, breakdown into tears one evening. The catalyst was relatively small, so I ended up feeling pretty stupid about crying over it, but I did learn that crying does help. So I would say, if you feel the need, go ahead and cry, just do it relatively privately. Go into that nice, clean room, grab a stuffed animal, chocolate, or whatever floats your boat, and have a nice sniffle. You’ll feel better and be able to concentrate on things again.
  • Sleep. This is especially important in the last months. Yes, there is a lot to do, and yes, time is rapidly running out. But… staying up til 2am to get a chore done just leaves you tired and drained the next day and, thus, makes you less productive, which means you need to stay up til 2am again the next night to finish a project, and on and on it goes. Before you know it, your sleep cycle is whacked and you just feel drained and grumpy all the time. Not productive. So, if you can do it at 2am, you can do it just as easily at 10 am the next day. You’ll feel more rested and it will probably turn out better. Remember, sleep is not optional.
So there we are. These won’t eliminate stress, but they will help manage it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Dress for the Mother-of-the-Bride...or Groom

Finding a dress for me to wear to the wedding turned out to be just as time-consuming as finding The Wedding Dress itself! Rather than buying a new dress, I had decided to save some money and wear a mauve dress that I’d worn for Easter a couple of years ago. The color worked fairly well with the bridal colors and it was comfortable. Then I considered that this short-sleeved springtime dress wouldn’t keep me very warm in February and I’d probably need to wear a sweater, and me bundled up in a sweater was not the look I wanted at all. The hunt for more elegant attire was on!

Once again “the industry” was very little help. The overriding theme in most magazines and retail outlet web sites, and it remains one of the most laughable trends I saw, was the absurd notion that I, the mother-of-the-bride, must be “sexy” on my daughter’s wedding day. I can’t think of anything more pathetic!

Now, if I rejected the selection of “sexy” gowns, and there were plenty of them in black and red in the fall and winter months, I was left for the most part with a selection of dowdy dresses in washed-out pastel colors and covered with way too many spangles. Sadly, there was very little offered in-between those two fashion extremes. All I wanted to do was look respectable and “put together”. I didn’t want to recapture my youth. I didn’t want to look “vintage” or “retro”. I didn’t even want to be particularly shiny. I was well aware that The Day was not about me so I wasn’t concerned with grabbing attention, but I also didn’t want my appearance to elicit snickers or sympathetic glances.

To be honest, I hadn’t purchased a gown for myself in decades and had little idea of what would look good on me. To remedy this I read What Not To Wear by Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine, and then my daughter and I trooped down to Macy’s – one of the only retail outlets aside from Nordstrom’s that sells gowns for ladies – and tried on everything on the racks. I am a short person, only five feet tall, and I needed something that wouldn’t bury me or accentuate my ever-widening middle-aged figure. Sexy indeed!

In November we did find a navy blue chiffon floor-length gown with V-necked jacket accented with sparkly beads that looked promising. It would only need to have the hem taken up and I’d be good to go. Regrettably, the price was out of range, so I decided to wait and see if it went on sale.

On the positive side, trying on these gowns helped me to eliminate several popular styles, which were lovely on the rack but not so lovely on me, and hone in on what was the most flattering style. Now I could go online with its vastly greater selection and shop with a better idea of what would work. Even at that, as I looked at hundreds of gowns online, I began to prepare myself for the possibility that I would have to make my own gown. I even purchased some lovely pale lavender (called “iris”) taffeta and chiffon. The trick now would be to find an attractive pattern! With three bridesmaids’ dresses just finished and a veil in the works, I was not looking forward to more sewing. And time was running out.

Observing the rule of thumb that there are often fabulous sales in stores after Christmas, I returned to Macy's hoping to find the navy blue dress I'd tried on in November, this time on the sale rack. I was also hoping there might be some returns from Christmas available as well. I was disappointed to find that the blue dress was gone but winking at me from a hook on the wall was a size 14P dress and it was even in my style! ‘A little big,’ I thought, but I’d learned that sizes mean very little so I tried it on. It fit reasonably well and it looked pretty good on me! It was $169 but there was a 40% off sign over it that potentially brought the price down to somewhere around $100. I carried it to the cashier and asked her to check the price. "$59.99," said she. "I'll take it!" said I.

I was very happy with both our gowns! The guys looked great too, of course. :)
Now, to be sure, I would need to shorten the shoulder straps to bring the neckline up to a decent level and, after that, the hem might still need to be taken up a little, but that was a far cry from having to make the whole thing from scratch! I was delighted! The color was "amethyst" – a rich purple with more pink undertones than blue. And, thankfully, my daughter had shoes at home that matched the color perfectly.

As the final touch in being truly “put together”, I bought some shapewear to give me a more sleek appearance. The shapewear cost as much as the gown but, hey, I looked good! And I’d done it all at a price I could afford.

My advice to mothers-of-the-bride and groom:
  • If you plan to buy a new dress for the wedding, as soon as the wedding date is settled, don’t wait, get out and start shopping! You will find that styles and colors change throughout the year. By shopping early you will have the greatest selection of garments to choose from. And the tag on a garment doesn’t have to say “wedding” on it to make it eligible to be worn at a wedding.
  • Try on everything. Try on different sizes. Try on different styles. You can never really know how something looks until it’s on you. If possible, wear the undergarments and shoes you plan to wear when trying on clothing, that way you get a more exact idea of how it will look on you and what, if any, alterations might need to be made. 
  • Take a color swatch of the bridal colors along with you. It never hurts to compare it to your dress. While it's not vital that you match colors, it is somewhat important that you don't clash. There will be pictures! 
  • Take someone, a good friend or your daughter, along with you to assess how you look. It helps to have a second opinion, especially from someone who cares about how you look.
  • Don’t be afraid to wear something you’ve been seen in before. Your dress doesn’t have to be brand new. Remember, I had originally thought of wearing an Easter dress I already had in my closet. My goal was simply to look respectable, be comfortable, and not break the bank. 
  • Wear comfortable shoes. I’ll say no more.
Me all "put together" with my corsage, pearls, fake nails, special hair-do, and wonderful dress.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

On Acquiring Flowers

From the beginning, I knew that I didn’t want a ton of flowers as decorations for my wedding. My reasoning was thus:
  • Flowers are expensive (especially out-of-season ones, which, as it was a February wedding, included most blooms) and we had a limited budget.
  • I thought that the sparkle created with candles and mirrors was more elegant and fit a winter wedding better.
  • The Now-Beloved Husband is allergic to most plant life and I wanted him to survive the day.
  • I didn’t want to contend with a professional florist.
That last one may seem a little cantankerous, but I’d heard/read enough horror stories about florists bringing the flowers late, substituting different flowers without consulting the bride, or failing to produce what the bride had wanted that I decided that I’d be safer doing it myself.

My decision was vindicated by one of our local florist’s flat refusal to do business with me. Every time I’d go in, asking about ordering flowers for a wedding, I’d get confused or pained looks and mumbled responses. The one woman who knew what I was asking made it clear that she didn’t want to help me, and every time I phoned, I was told that the woman who handled such things was “out”. The lesson here: if a vendor won’t cooperate with you, go to a different one. Even if I had been able to get this shop to finally work with me, who knows what sort of stress I’d have had getting them to create what I wanted, since it felt obvious to me that they didn’t really want my business. I don’t know if it was because I’m young or if they’d had a bad experience with a previous bride, but it was the most surreal experience of the entire eleven-month period leading up to the wedding.

In preparation, I checked out several books on flower arrangement from the library, watched YouTube videos of professionals creating bouquets, and researched the meanings behind individual flowers. I also went to sites that allowed you to “create” your own bouquet using pre-existing flower graphics.

One of the first Virtual Bouquets I designed.
It turned out that The Flowers were an area where Mom and I were speaking two different languages. I would describe what I was picturing – a cluster of white and lavender roses and mini calla lilies with sword ferns framing the whole thing – and Mom would frown as she was picturing something completely different. Finally, on one of our trips to our local craft store, I gathered up the silk flowers that I wanted and made a mock-up of my bouquet. Upon seeing an actual version of what I wanted, Mom’s eyes lit up and she agreed that it was very pretty and would work well with our dresses. At this point, I’d like to reiterate: if at first you fail to verbally communicate, get a visual.

Now in agreement, Mom and I went to a local wholesale floral shop and began seeing which flowers were constantly in stock and which ones rotated in and out; this way we would know what we’d need to order ahead of time and what we could just go in and buy.

Over the course of several months, we learned several important things about dealing with florists and flowers:
  • Know the names of the plants you want. Seems pretty basic, but we learned the hard way that what we’ve always called Sword Ferns are actually Leatherleaf Ferns – at least, according to the shop we were at.
  • Be open to asking the florist for advice. I had wanted Sterling Silver Roses, but the flower shop didn’t carry them because they wilted too quickly. Luckily, the florist suggested a flower, Lisianthus, which looked almost identical and would last.
  • Be aware of your flowers’ strengths and weaknesses. For example, Calla Lilies are gorgeous, but bruise and wilt easily, therefore they need to be handled carefully and used promptly.
  • Know how to keep your flowers alive and looking pretty. If you tackle doing your own flowers, make sure you look into how to care for them or they'll wilt and droop before Wedding Day. I put mine in tubs of tepid water mixed with a pinch of Miracle Grow and kept them in the garage (the coldest place in the house in February). For non-winter brides, be sure to look into refrigeration space.
  • Don’t feel pressured to take what you don’t want. The only hitch we had buying the flowers was in a surprise substitution (remember, I mentioned hearing about those?). The wholesaler’s vendor didn’t have the pale green roses that we had ordered so the wholesaler just replaced them with more white roses (of which we had ordered two dozen already). When they called to tell us, we regretfully told them we couldn’t take them, as we had no use for an additional 25 white roses. The wholesaler wasn’t happy, but the flowers were deducted from our order. Luckily, they had several (slightly wilted) bouquets of green roses the day we picked up the order, so I chose the best of those, plucked the wilted petals, and we were good to go.
In the end, my wonderful aunt, who had worked in a florist shop, came over the day before the wedding and helped us make everything. She made five corsages, nine boutonnières, the three bridesmaids’ bouquets and my bridal bouquet (with me directing) in just over six hours. Hooray for Auntie!




All in all, our flowers cost us $141, including materials like florist’s wire and tape, and we got exactly what we wanted.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

How Do I Look?

When it comes to hair and make-up on wedding day, in my humble opinion, a bride should look like herself, only enhanced in a way that no one can quite put a finger on. She should look “special” but not so completely altered that the groom does a double take, not because she’s dazzling but because he didn’t recognize her at first.

I would like to assure every bride that she is already lovely. The glow of happiness shining from her is more beautiful than any amount of make-up or a special hair-do can ever make her. This isn’t to say a bride shouldn’t make herself as attractive as she possibly can. This is a very special once-in-a-lifetime day! But she shouldn’t feel under pressure to change herself into something she’s not just because it’s her wedding day. Her guests and, especially, her groom want to see her as they know and love her, not as a glammed-up caricature of herself.

There is also comfort to be considered. A wedding day is a looooong day. A bride (and her mother) would be foolish to make herself up in a way so out of the ordinary that it has the potential to make her uncomfortable. She’s already wearing a rather unusual and often very heavy dress! Other sources of discomfort could be anything from a hair-do held together by hairpins that every second threaten to fall out to those that have secured her hair so tightly to her scalp that she has a headache within half an hour. It could be false eyelashes or fingernails that she’s not used to. Even make-up can be irritating if she’s not used to wearing it.

Now, having said all that, we started planning hair and make-up well in advance. My daughter made a hair appointment long before the wedding solely for the purpose of trying out some ideas. She had been working for a lady who runs a hair salon and exchanged labor for a hair-do. Meanwhile, I arranged to have a makeover party with my daughter and the mother-of-the-groom at the home of a mutual friend of ours who sold Mary Kay cosmetics. It was loads of fun! We were able to play with a couple of different looks and find the color palette that best suited us. I learned a lot, supported a friend and, the big plus here, I had a couple of months to use the products before the wedding so that I was completely comfortable with them by the time The Day arrived.

I also purchased some inexpensive press-on fingernails from Walgreen’s to test-drive. I am a life-long nail-biter and have always hated how my hands look. For just one day, and knowing there would be lots of pictures, I wanted my hands to look nice, but I knew that having nails would be a major adjustment. I wore them over a weekend and struggled to do the simplest things! In light of this discovery, I figured that if I put the nails on as the last thing I did before walking to my seat on The Day, I could manage. No one would be asking me to type an email or dial a phone during the wedding!

My daughter has always had beautiful nails and she had been grooming them and taking special care of them in the days before the wedding but, despite all her care, either through stress or accidents, every single one of them tore off before The Day arrived! Though distressed about the loss of her nails, she was also able to find pretty nails at the drug store. Looking back, and to save stress, she says that she should have used self-adhesive nails rather than the kind that needed to be glued on. Additionally, even the plainest press-on nails could be accented using press-on gems like those she used on the bridesmaids’ gift books.

Finishing touches included selecting jewelry to wear on The Day. My daughter and I looked into my own jewelry box first to see if there were any “heirloom” pieces that she might want to wear. We also considered using jewelry as accent pieces in her hair. We tried jewelry on all the bridesmaids as well to see what, if anything, might work well. We tried out all of these jewelry ideas well before wedding day.

I’d like to leave this entry with two thoughts:

One: a bride, simply by virtue of her happiness, is beautiful. She should not feel she has to spend a fortune to transform herself into someone else. There will always be something that isn’t “perfect” about her appearance but a bride would be unwise to let that spoil her day.

Two: we didn't spend a lot on our hair, make-up, and nails. Once again, dear friends who specialized in these things helped us out. A bride does not necessarily need to have anything “professionally” done. Ask around. You may be surprised to find that your friends are fully capable of giving you the wedding day makeover you want. In the end we were all very happy with how we looked. And -- very important-- we were comfortable!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Photo Gallery -- The Reception

Our indoor basketball court turned banquet hall!
Today I'll share some pictures of those things I've described that were used at the reception hall. First, though, here is a picture of the bridesmaids in their gowns. The hunter green accented with mint green flattered everyone.
Next time, I'll keep an ironing board on hand! Otherwise, I think they came out really well.
The happy couple and their wedding cake decorated with fresh flowers. Artificial ivy is entwined around the base of the cake stand. The cake table arch glitters in the back ground.
The bridal bouquet and the bride's barely touched dinner.
The photo board and conversation corner.
We moved the altar arrangement from church to the reception hall so that we could fully enjoy it.
One of the tall candle arrangements with fresh rosemary and dried lavender...and a bridesmaid's bouquet.
And they're off into their new life together as husband and wife!
That's it for now. My daughter and I have a few more blog posts to make before wrapping up. Coming soon, our thoughts on flowers, wedding day logistics, mother-of-the-bride gowns, and more!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Photo Gallery -- Getting Ready and The Ceremony

We now pause in our blog for a visual break. I have finally gotten some of the professionally done photographs of the wedding and would like to share a few. You may click on them to see a larger picture.

Our Ring Bearer gets his boutonniere pinned on by my sister-in-law. She made all the boutonnieres, corsages, and bouquets.
Crystals were added to the groom's boutonniere to make it unique.
The Flower Girl and her mommy
The bride gets a last minute touch up. She had purchased a tiara to wear and forgot it at home. Thankfully, the veil looked fine without it.
Detail of the veil and the cap sleeves we added to the dress for that little bit of extra coverage.
She waits patiently to go in.
Sunlight was streaming into the sanctuary...
...and lit up the altar area beautifully.
The wedding party
First there were two happy families, now there are three!
Tomorrow I'll share some pictures of the reception.