Thoughts on The Dress by The Bride

So this is the first of (hopefully) many posts from The Bride's point of view. Mom has finally brought up The Dress, which was one of the aspects of The Wedding that I had a definite opinion on, and thus, now feel qualified to write about.

As Mom said in her earlier posts, she had some pretty strong feelings about what The Dress should look like and what it should represent. I'm glad that I didn't know Mom's thought on using The Dress as a Statement while we were choosing it - I have the feeling I would have been far less willing to compromise had I known. But that's beside the point. We can safely say that this was one area where I planted my feet and was very stubborn.

The clashes over The Dress began even before I was engaged. The first one I remember happened while we were driving to the reception site for a dear friend's wedding. We were discussing her ceremony, her dress and decorations, etc., when the topic of The Dress came up. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Really, your dress can be whatever you want... it's your dress.

Me: Umm... I've been thinking that I'd like a strapless dress...

Mom: No! Absolutely not! I haven't seen a strapless dress yet that the bride wasn't pulling it up every five minutes. And no one wants to look at your armpits! Besides, a strapless dress is so immodest. I want you to be modest for your wedding day.

Me: Well, I'd like to at least try on a strapless before we say absolutely not. I've also seen some dresses that have bands of color in them - along the hems or at the necklines. I think those are really cool. Like, there was this one dress in a magazine that had a band of royal blue with silver beads at the waist. It was gorgeous!

Mom: Haha! I don't think there should be color in your wedding dress. You're supposed to look pure and innocent, not like you're heading to an evening gala!

Me: [Begins laughing] So my dress can be whatever I want, huh?

That was the start. We didn't really talk about The Dress again 'til after I was engaged. By then, I had a very clear picture in my head of what I wanted.

I thought that this would be enough coverage...

The fingerless gloves did not appease Mom's sense of modesty though, so that idea was quickly scrapped and the search for a dress that I would wear and that she could tolerate began anew.

We went through pages and pages and pages of wedding gowns online. Almost all of the ones that Mom liked had high, ruffly necks and long sleeves that were cuffed at the wrist.

Pretty...in the '70's. Could we bring our search into the 21st century please?

'Round and 'round we went. It was hard at first to find any middle ground. We were united in what we didn't like (most of the time); it was finding what we both liked that was the problem. At one point, after a particularly fruitless foray through the photo gallery that is the internet, in a fit of pique I cried out, "That's it! I'm walking down the aisle in a Jessica Rabbit dress! Bright red with a slit up to my hip, a neckline to my navel, and a back that goes down to my rear!" My mother looked at me aghast, and appealed to my father (the poor man had walked past the door), "Talk to your daughter!"

In the end, we did reach a compromise that we were both quite happy with. I got my desired lack of ruffly necklines and cuffed sleeves, and Mom got her modest dress. But I shall detail that odyssey later.

In Which The Photographer Provides a Brilliant Idea For The Wedding Favors

On the top of my wedding expense priority list was The Photographer, and I made it clear that I was willing to pay plenty to get a professional to capture The Day. This did turn out to be the greatest expense we incurred, claiming 35% of our overall budget, but I was perfectly happy to pay for his services. I had two reasons for this.

I understand perfectly the need and desire to economize. Many couples have family or friends who are handy with a camera. These same talented individuals may also volunteer their time or ask so little for their services that it’s hard to pass up. This is fine! If the bride has seen their work and she likes it then, by all means, she should feel free to use them!  But I’ve seen pictures done by professionals who have been working at their craft for a couple of decades, and I’ve also seen one too many mediocre to downright awful wedding pictures shot by “a friend”. There is simply no comparison, and I knew I wasn’t willing to economize on this element. I wanted someone who knew what they were doing and had been doing it for a long time. In particular, I wanted someone who specialized in wedding photography or portraiture. Long after The Ceremony is over, The Food is eaten, and The Dress doesn’t fit anymore, the photos will be a lasting reminder of The Day. I wanted them to be beautiful.

Thankfully, my daughter agreed and she went online to view different local photographer’s web sites and galleries. It took several weeks before she found the photographer she wanted but in the end I think she picked a real winner. Not only did she like his style, he offered a perk none of us had seen before.

As part of the photography package we purchased, the photographer included an engagement photo shoot from which he would print up a wallet-sized photo for each of our guests. We decided to use these as “party favors” instead of offering Jordan almonds or chocolates in cute little tulle bags. It’s not that we don’t like Jordan almonds or chocolates, but if we could avoid the expense we would. We also felt a photo would be more meaningful as a reminder of The Day than nuts or chocolate. Besides, a generous friend had already provided us with individually wrapped mints to offer our guests at the reception with “Thanks for sharing our special day” printed on the wrapper -- leftovers from her own wedding a few months earlier.

The happy couple's engagement photo

If the photos were to be the wedding favor, we needed a way to deliver them to our guests and in good condition! We looked for wallet-sized photo holders, frames or folders, so that the bridal couple could present the pictures to people at the reception in a format that wouldn’t bend, tear, or be destroyed if punch got spilled on them. The cost of photo holders was prohibitive and difficult to find in wallet-size. Perhaps if we’d had more time we could have made them from card stock but we didn’t think of it soon enough. We looked into putting the photos in pretty little envelopes but, again, pretty little envelopes aren’t cheap. We gave a passing glance at key rings with the plastic wallet-sized holders on them but that just didn’t appeal to our sense of elegance.

We finally decided not to hand them out at the reception but rather to include them in the thank you notes my daughter would send after the wedding. This way we knew that none of them would be lost between the reception and home. I had been dreading the possibility of finding one on the floor of the reception hall where it had slipped out of someone’s pocket, being stepped on and ruined, so sending them with the thank you notes was a very good plan in my opinion.

On a side note: I have saved many wedding favors from weddings over the years. I’ve stored them in cedar chests, boxes, and baggies. They all have one thing in common 20 to 30 years later. They all fall apart. The Jordan almonds crumble. The chocolate becomes powdery. The bird seed mildews. The buttercream mints melt. Rings rust. Plastic breaks. Tulle becomes brittle. And how often do I pull them out and reminisce? Not often. And when I do? The precious little things disintegrate in my hands. Consider getting away from “traditional” wedding favors like this and go for photos. :)

Huddled on a dusty corner shelf are neglected wedding favors (with apologies to my niece) in the red circle. The arrow is pointing to another wedding favor I received nearly 30 years ago -- a small bottle of Korbel Brut Rose. It used to have a decoration on the neck. Nice idea but very pricey...and as you see, I still haven't opened it.

Final note: We decided not to provide our guests with disposable cameras at the reception. For one thing, they're expensive. For another, we knew there was a great risk of getting dozens of non-descript crowd shots, blurry zoom shots, pictures of the floor or ceiling or, as we saw from one wedding, many pictures of people’s shoes. (Yeah, you know who you are.) ;)

Second Thoughts on The Dress

As I hinted earlier, the second major disagreement my daughter and I had was over The Dress. Two sources of contention stood between us and perfect harmony – whether the gown would be strapless or have sleeves, and whether it would include color or not. I was adamant on both counts. Her shoulders must be covered and no color allowed! I cited long-standing traditions requiring modesty and white. My daughter countered with “it’s my wedding.” I replied, “I’m paying for it.” She quipped that I obviously wanted to see her in a white burkha. And ‘round and ‘round we went! What a dilemma!

I felt very strongly about how I wanted my daughter to look on her wedding day, and I’ll get into that another time. Today I want to tell the story of how I changed my mind about adding color.

In an effort to boost my argument in favor of white, I took it upon myself to do some research on weddings and gowns. In our culture the color white is meant to represent innocence and purity when worn by a bride. Sad to say, not many brides these days can honestly wear white, but our daughter could. I wanted to see her walk demurely down the aisle representing everything pure, lovely, sweet, and honorable in a young Christian woman. I looked upon this as a point of pride and a kind of counter-culture rebellion turned upside down. Throughout her life, I’d taken a lot of flak about how I was depriving her, indeed ruining her, by raising her conservatively. Now, I wanted The Dress to be an “in your face” statement of triumphant parenting. I’ll say it right now – I think it’s pretty obvious -- my attitude was all wrong. And, as I discovered through my research, my two biggest arguments in favor of white were flawed.

First, Queen Victoria is commonly given credit for starting the current fashion trend of wearing white when she wore a white gown for her own wedding to Prince Albert in the year 1840. That’s a mere 171 years ago and hardly qualifies as an ancient tradition. Up until then couples had simply worn their very best clothing to the ceremony. Despite the Queen’s example, author Laura Ingalls, who was married to Almanzo Wilder in 1885, writes that for her wedding she “was wearing her new black cashmere dress and her sage-green poke bonnet with the blue lining and the blue ribbon bow tied under her left ear.” She also writes that prior to the wedding her mother commented, “I do not like to think of you being married in black…You know what they say, ‘Married in black, you’ll wish yourself back.’”

While there are many quaint wedding superstitions regarding color, and it would be nice to think that brides thoughtfully and carefully choose colors that are meaningful in some way, a color is ultimately just a color and an entirely subjective choice. Since we are not superstitious people, it was only important to have “good” colors for the purpose of complimenting the bride’s complexion.

Second, as Miss Manners rightly points out, if the main purpose of the color white is to advertise untouched goods then frankly, that's vulgar. I hadn't thought about it that way but she's right. The last thing I really wanted guests thinking about as my daughter floated down the aisle was "Hey, look at the virgin!" Those who know her well know well her virtues. Those who do not know her as well should be noticing how happy she is. Looking at things in this light it not only became permissible to include color in her wedding dress I was actively encouraging it!

In closing then, my advice to mothers-of-brides is this: choose your battles carefully. Planning a wedding can turn into one long contest of wills if we’re not careful. There are many, many insignificant details that can and should be left to the bride without interference, and there are several significant ones in which we may feel compelled to get involved, but we’d do better to step back and take a deep breath first. Do some research. You may find, as I did, that your concerns aren’t as important as you thought they were. In other areas you may feel you need to stand your ground. Under no circumstances, however, should these kinds of choices be allowed to lead to a breach between you and your daughter. The wedding will last one day; your relationship with your daughter will last a lifetime. Keep it a good one.

More on this later…

Save The Date or Save Your Money?

The prospect of having a wedding is a very exciting thing! Getting caught up in the spirit of The Day, we bought some stationery, printed up “save the date” cards, and mailed them to everyone on our guest list in August, six months before the wedding. This first expense, the cards and postage, came to just under $100 and, I’ll be honest, it’s money we could’ve saved.

Save the date cards are a relative newcomer to wedding planning and were originally intended to be a courtesy notice for out of town guests so that they could clear their schedules and make travel arrangements well in advance. They’re also nice for those guests who are busy working types and must schedule everything…you know who they are. Save the date cards are an optional courtesy. There is no rule of etiquette that requires a bride to send them to her guests.

In retrospect, we should have been more selective when sending save the dates. There was no need to send them to everyone on our guest list because most of our guests were people we saw at least once a week. It would’ve been easy enough to inform prospective guests of the date by telling them face to face. If we’d done this, I think we could’ve gotten by with sending out a mere 25 cards instead of 136. I won’t make excuses, though. We were swept away by the pleasure of wedding planning and wanted everyone to know what we were up to! In the end it was an unnecessary expense.

My daughter used the Windows Paint application to create this design and we printed the cards at home.

Having said all that, if a bride wants to send save the date cards, she can save money by making them herself. Keep the cards simple or they might be confused with an actual invitation. The only information that’s necessary is who, when, and where. A response is not required. The information might look something like this:

Please save the date
for the marriage of
Henry Plantagenet and Eleanor d’Aquitaine
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Happy Valley, State of Bliss

Invitation to follow

I’ve received save the dates in the form of small note cards and postcards. Even a handwritten note is acceptable. The goal is simply to provide advance notice of The Day. Don’t spend too much money on this. You’ll want to spend it on the invitations. :)

First Thoughts on The Dress

Shortly after my daughter received her proposal of marriage a year ago, I began looking at wedding dresses and quickly got an education in current wedding culture that I wasn't expecting. This entry is more of a rant but it might be of some use to brides and mother-of-brides who are expecting sunshine and roses (as we should) when it comes to gowns but may, as I did, discover that there's a dark side to wedding dress shopping. I wrote these thoughts in my journal at the time:

“Finding the right wedding dress is serious business. Even after a bride finds something online or in a magazine there's still the job of finding it in real life, laying hands on it, trying it on and, if it looks reasonably good on her, having the gown altered to fit. When my daughter and I took our first step into a bridal shop the walls of white and ivory that greeted us were overwhelming. Where to begin? Thoughts of price and size become meaningless when confronted by that many dresses. The challenge is to find one or two that look promising. A prospective bride was in the shop already and a seamstress was at her feet pinning her hem. It was charming. But as we furtively glanced around at this new world, we knew we were not prepared. We fled, vowing to tackle more dress shops the following week.

A day or two later, after looking at countless mags and web sites, I began to think I could go into this business myself and make a nice living too! Type ‘modest wedding gown’ into your browser and you’ll be shown a selection of gowns that either look like Disney Princess costumes with enormous puff sleeves and petticoats or those that resemble old-fashioned flannel nighties. I thought, ‘Wouldn't it be nice to be able to find an elegant, grown-up looking gown that also meets the goals of modesty?’ I was envisioning a gown without thigh-high slits, peek-a-boo holes, plunging necks and backs, and wasn’t so skin tight that a bride couldn't even sit down.

There are some abominably ugly wedding gowns out there. I don't think it's asking too much to expect a selection of lovely gowns that accentuate youth and beauty yet also allow a woman to appear chaste and innocent. At this point, after looking at what they had to offer, I was convinced the industry didn't have a clue what everyday people want much less understand the definition of ‘modest’.

And then there were the advertisements for wedding dresses...oh my! I can’t even imagine what some of the advertisers were thinking! I saw hundreds of wedding dress ads with models who either looked angry or dead. Yes, dead. One mainstream magazine featured a spread where every picture looked like a Victorian post-mortem shot. The brides were pasty-colored and slack-jawed, draped over chairs and chaises in unnatural limp poses, staring into space with half-closed or staring eyes. The colors of these photos had been altered to a washed out gray or sepia tone. I'm not sure what effect the photographer and dress designer were going for but they did succeed in creeping me out. It's one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen and completely counter-productive. I don't believe the ‘dead’ look will ever be ‘in’ for brides.

Nope! I don't think I'll be buying any wedding dresses made by this designer.

In other ads the brides either looked angry or bored out of their minds. In still others they look like parodies of old burlesque dancers -- pouting inflated lips and bending over to reveal cleavage or backsides. Very weird given that weddings are supposed to be about happy beginnings, not anger or boredom. Again, there is a serious disconnect between the meaning of a wedding and the current crop of designers who think brides should be ‘sexy’ (or their sick version of sexy) which is not the point at all during the ceremony.

Anyway, having said all that, I still hoped to find a gown that flattered my daughter while keeping her dignity intact. I was determined that it would cost well below the norm dictated by the wedding industry and we didn't care! Let them make gowns that cost in excess of $1500. Brides who buy these single wear gowns to impress people aren’t going to make very practical wives and mothers and may miss that money down the road when they need, say, groceries.”

The search for The Dress was on in earnest, but while I thought the challenge would be to simply find a modest dress for my daughter, the challenge actually was finding a dress that she and I could agree on.

More on that later…

One Time Use Items

I’d like to discuss some common items we almost always see at weddings that could be termed “one time use” items. Because they’re so common many brides assume they must have them, but I’d like to suggest that if you want to save money, consider going the economy route on these “one time use” items or do without them altogether. I’m not talking about The Dress or The Cake either. The items I’m referring to are:

Borrow them if you can!

• The champagne flutes used for the toast                     
• The knife and server used to cut the cake
• The bride’s tiara
• The bride’s garter
• The throw-away bouquet
• Artificial flower petals
• Ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket
• The guest book and pen

I’m going to be blunt: these items have little or no practical use after they’ve served their purpose in a wedding. If you must have them, there’s the issue of storage after The Day has passed. But our goal is to save money, so I'll go over them one by one.

Champagne flutes are best suited for being filled with champagne so unless a couple likes to drink champagne on a regular basis, the flutes will be relegated to a knick-knack shelf to collect dust or be stored away in a cupboard. In a few years they may even find themselves in a garage sale, so why spend a fortune on Waterford crystal flutes? I can guarantee that no one is going to be examining them that closely. Or why spend extra money on decorated “wedding” flutes that serve the same purpose as regular flutes? My suggestion is to buy plastic flutes at The Dollar Store. You can still decorate them beautifully and inexpensively and you won’t feel so bad about getting rid of them when the allure of hanging onto them has passed. Better still, save your money and borrow them from a friend.

The fancy knife and server might find a practical use if and when the couple entertains, but if these utensils are decorated they will always need to be washed by hand. If they’re made of silver they’ll need to be kept polished. Now perhaps I’m the only person on earth who loathes washing dishes by hand and polishing silver, but there it is. So, I wouldn’t buy anything you don’t plan to use in your own kitchen after the wedding. Plain stainless utensils may be decorated using a little ribbon, some seed pearls, and a hot glue gun. The pretty stuff can then be snapped off after the wedding and the utensils returned to practical use, and they’re dishwasher safe. Again, if possible, borrow them.

A tiara is a lovely addition to a bridal headpiece but aside from a wedding, it’s really only appropriate to wear at proms and costume parties…and I’m hoping the bride is beyond her prom years. My suggestion? Save your money. If you must have one, be prepared to store it. I suspect it may end up delighting your own children in the years to come when they play “dress-up”.

A single bridal garter is of no use whatsoever unless it’s actually being used to hold up stockings in which case you need two to do the job properly. Hanging it on the rear view mirror of your car is tacky. My advice is to save your money and bypass the “tradition” of retrieving and tossing the garter which, in recent years, has lost much of its playfulness and is too often used to embarrass the bride and shock the guests. Trust me, no one will miss this foolish ritual and your dignity will remain intact.

Whoever invented the throw-away bouquet is a marketing genius! It’s true that most bridal bouquets are gorgeous and we hate to see them go but, like all flowers, they will wilt and like many other bridal items, they’re really only suitable to be seen at weddings. Drying an entire bridal bouquet and then storing it seems like a waste of energy and space when the photographs of the wedding can bring back those fond memories so easily. If you must, pluck a few petals before the wedding and press them in a book. Save your money on the extra bouquet and pitch your bridal bouquet to your eager guests, then count yourself lucky that you’re not the one who has to find a place to put it over the next few weeks before it’s thrown out.

What can be said in favor of buying artificial flower petals? I don’t know; you tell me. Aside from crafting projects, there is literally no practical use for them at all. Anyway, our local wholesale florist sold real rose petals for almost the same price as the fake ones. I understand that some churches don’t allow the use of real flower petals because they can be ground into the carpets and stain them. (Brides will want to ask about that before wedding day.) The fake flower petals aren’t any easier to deal with since each and every one of them needs to be picked up after the ceremony. So, my suggestion is to save your money and have the Flower Girl simply carry a flower or, if she’s very young, she can carry a favorite toy dressed up for the wedding. Or perhaps she can sprinkle lavender petals, which add a nice fragrance and can be easily vacuumed up.  P.S. Fresh flower petals are perfectly suited for outdoor weddings, in my humble opinion, since they are biodegradable.

I may just donate these things to a school for arts n' crafts.

Speaking of the Flower Girl…the Ring-bearer pillow and the Flower Girl basket are nice touches but hardly necessary. If you eliminate the artificial flower petals like I suggested then there’s no need for a basket! As for the pillow, often the best man and maid of honor are holding on to the real wedding rings while decoy rings are tied to the pillow. Let’s be honest, if the Flower Girl isn’t actually sprinkling flowers and the Ring-bearer isn’t actually in charge of the rings, what is their function within the bridal party? To provide a charming spectacle that serves no purpose but to delight your guests, of course! Thankfully, they don’t need baskets or pillows to accomplish this. Save your money! If you must have them, see if you can borrow them.

The guest book and pen are two articles that need not be expensive or fancy since there is a strong possibility that the bride will never look at them again beyond The Day. The guest book was never meant to become a “keepsake” but rather served the practical purpose of providing a list of those who attended the wedding along with their addresses so that the bride could begin her own address book. This was invaluable when sending out thank you notes. Guests sometimes wrote a note or two of congratulations and well wishes to the couple. This elevated the guest book from a simple attendance sheet to something more personal but still didn’t raise it to the heights of say, a novel, which the bride might actually sit down and read more than once. Meanwhile, the pen need only be functional! No one is likely to be examining the book or the pen very closely, that’s not why they came, so save your money and don’t spend too much time creating a fancy guest book. I suppose if we had really wanted to economize we could’ve simply put some binder paper on a clipboard-- but no, that wouldn’t have been very elegant.

Bottom line: save your money. Borrow them, buy them cheap, make them yourself but don’t spend too much time on them, and by all means, pass them on when you’re done.

Do-It-Yourself Tips

You’ve calculated your time and the cost and you’re ready to forge ahead with making some of your wedding items. Perhaps a few of these tips will seem obvious to the do-it-yourself bride, but here are some of the ways we kept costs within our budget and still got exactly what we wanted.

Get thee to a library! I can’t recommend this enough! There is such a wealth of good information on the subject of weddings at the library I don’t know why a bride would go anywhere else. With the exception of pictures of up-to-date bridal fashions, magazines add little to what library books have to offer, and the library books are there to use free of charge.

Use materials you have on hand! Look around your home and garden and you may be surprised at the resources you’ve got all around you! For example, every year I cut the English lavender from my garden. When the flowers have finished opening I cut them with long stems about two feet long, bundle them in a sort of sheaf, and put them in a large vase to dry and scent the house. I took this dried lavender and sprayed it with clear acrylic to keep it from falling apart and we used it in the corsages and table decorations. We also used sprigs of fresh rosemary from the garden in our table decorations. All of this was free!

Shop at discount or thrift stores. We found the majority of our glass candle holders at The Dollar Store, both the ten inch tall cylinders and the four inch globes. Not only did they only cost $1 each they were all made in the U.S.A., an added bonus in my humble opinion. We also purchased plastic candy dishes there -- 4 for $1. Additionally, all kinds of inexpensive glassware may be found at thrift stores.

We purchased inexpensive glass and high quality candles to achieve the look we wanted for table decorations.

Tip: I do not recommend buying candles from discount stores. They often don’t burn evenly and you end up with a mess. You can find higher quality, longer burning candles online for the same price. We recommend shopping at Quick Candles.

Use coupons. Put yourself on the mailing lists of the fabric and craft stores in your area and use their coupons each week. Whether you use a coupon printed at home off the internet or clip one out of the newspaper, the savings add up. You might even ask friends to share their own coupons if they aren’t using them. I don’t think we bought anything from Michael’s, Beverly’s, or Joann’s Fabrics without using a coupon or waiting for a sale. There is absolutely no reason to pay retail if you give yourself enough time to make things because sales come around regularly and, even if they don’t, the coupons do.

Shop in season. Part of my plan for buying the food was to wait until Christmastime, purchase hams on sale, and freeze them until the wedding. If I had planned to serve turkey, well, I would’ve only waited until Thanksgiving. My point is this: even food goes on sale and can be purchased at a discount. I decided what fruit to serve at the wedding based on what was in season the week of the wedding rather than deciding what I wanted ahead of time and then trying to find it. For example, as much as I would’ve loved to offer strawberries to our guests, the wedding was in the last week of February and strawberries aren’t in season until April. The hot house strawberries in the stores in February were expensive and not so tasty. We bought Clementine oranges and red seedless grapes instead since they were available in abundance and on sale.

Food isn’t the only thing you can buy “in season”. Paper goods and craft supplies can also be less expensive at different times of the year. For example, if your wedding colors include red, shopping directly after Christmas or Valentine’s Day will yield a LOT of red items in the sale bin. This could include strings of lights, candles, ribbon, streamers, dinnerware, cups, table cloths, stationery, candy, you name it! The same goes for other holidays. Want green items on sale? Check the stores after St. Patrick’s Day. Your colors are pastels? Check after Easter. You get the idea.

Though I don’t normally look at Craig’s List, garage sales, and the “Freebies” section of the newspaper, I have friends who do! And one friend found all the lights we used at the reception at a garage sale. She wouldn’t tell me what she spent but assured me it was “too good to pass up” and gave them to us. Remember, people get married everyday, and after the wedding is over many of those folks are looking to get rid of their wedding decorations!

The bottom line is this: low cost doesn’t necessarily translate into low quality. Careful shopping for discounts can still produce a good looking, high quality wedding for a fraction of what “the industry” would have you pay. It’s well worth a bride’s time to research items first and shop around for discounts.

Do It Yourself or Not?

There is no rule of etiquette nor social dictate that says a bride must purchase items made by “professionals” for use in her wedding. Everything can be home made if she likes! One of the main reasons our wedding cost so little is that we made so many things ourselves. This included the save the date cards, the invitations, the wedding veil, the bridesmaids’ dresses, the table decorations, the bridal bouquet, the boutonnieres and corsages, a photo board, and all the food.

Are you ready?

Now, we understand completely if a bride doesn’t want to make anything for her wedding. There’s already plenty to do leading up to The Day as it is and we can appreciate the need to minimize chores! Providing the bride has the money and finds exactly what she wants, there’s no reason not to buy everything! But for the bride who wants to save money or would like to make some or all of what she wants for her wedding my word of encouragement is do it!

Now before you dive into creating unique and special things for your wedding, ask yourself these important questions:

• Do I have the time to make the item in addition to everything else that I need to do? This is the most important consideration for the do-it-yourself bride. Be realistic about construction time including the time it will take to un-do and fix any mistakes you might make. You may need time to learn “how” to do certain things. Which brings us to the next question…

• Do I have the knowledge and skill to make the item? Be clear about exactly what needs to be done and honest about whether you can do it. If you don’t know how to make something, don’t give up! We spent a lot of time at our local library before we jumped into certain projects. In some cases, after doing a little research, we understood that we simply could not do what we wanted. We then decided whether to purchase the item or do without.

• Do I have the necessary tools to make the item or will I need to purchase special tools or materials? Which leads to our next question…

• Is it really less expensive to make the item rather than buy it ready made? Make a tools and materials list complete with costs. If it’s not less expensive to make something then my advice is to buy it.

I’m a great list-maker. Lists help me organize my thoughts and take the first steps toward accomplishing a goal. After I made the spreadsheet of expenses, I made a list of all the things I hoped to make for the wedding. Meanwhile, my daughter made a list of all the things she hoped to do and pinned it to her bedroom wall. These lists helped us stay on track.

The Big List

Suggestion: Make a list of every task you must do in the months leading up to the wedding such as sending out invitations, dress fittings, and ordering the cake. Include the time you spend at work and don’t forget that you need time to eat and sleep too. Next, add the tasks you’d like to do such as making certain items. Now, tally up the time it will take to do them all. Looking at the list, be very honest with yourself -- do you have the time?

More on this tomorrow…

Setting the Time

Since the wedding would take place at our home church and on a Sunday our time to decorate was limited by the fact that late service got out at 12:30 PM. We wouldn’t be able to go in and decorate until the service had concluded and the congregation had gone home. Additionally, the reception was being held at our sister church across town. Again, we needed to wait until their congregation was done with the room before we could begin decorating. With these things in mind, here are some other factors we considered when choosing the time to begin the ceremony:

Late afternoon wedding starting at 3:00 PM followed by an early “light” dinner.

PROS:

• Plenty of time for celebrating at the reception and for clean-up afterward. We might get home before 9 o’clock.
• A light dinner would be less expensive than a full dinner.
• Dress could be casual or semi-formal.
• Most guests would get home before bedtime so they could be well rested for work or school the next day.
• Should it rain, guests would not have to drive in the rain at night.

CONS:

• Major concern: very little time to decorate both the sanctuary and reception hall and get dressed and be ready for the ceremony – talk about added stress!

Early evening wedding starting at 5:00 PM followed by a buffet dinner.

PROS:

• A fair amount of time to decorate and get dressed and be ready for the ceremony and still have some semblance of sanity.
• Guests would be served dinner at a standard hour so, hopefully, no one would be “starving” during the ceremony.
• Dress would be semi-formal.
• More than enough time to celebrate and clean-up and still be home at a decent hour.

CONS:

• Should it rain, guests who don’t like to drive in the rain at night might be prohibited from coming to the reception.

Evening wedding starting at 8:00 PM followed by a dessert reception.

PROS:

• Plenty of time to decorate and get ready. 
• A dessert and punch reception would be less expensive than a full dinner.

CONS:

• Not much time to celebrate afterward since people would have to work the next day. 
• Greater risk of being exhausted before the wedding even starts. 
• Although a small concern, we did consider that formal attire is traditionally expected at an evening wedding which had the potential of being more uncomfortable and possibly more expensive.
• Small risk of guests not eating dinner beforehand and arriving at the reception hungry only to be disappointed by nothing but dessert. 
• Clean-up could go well past midnight. 
• Should it rain, guests who don’t like to drive in the rain at night might be prohibited from coming to the wedding at all.

Considering all these things, the decision to have an early evening wedding was a natural one, and my daughter was determined not to be late. Barring a catastrophic accident, she would be stepping down the aisle at five!

We had limited time to transform this sanctuary into something lovely for the ceremony.

The Guest List -- Final Thoughts

I’m sure by now it feels like I’m beating the guest list to death but as one etiquette adviser said, “guests make the wedding”. What seems so simple is probably the most complex task of the entire affair, and once it’s done, and done well, everything else can fall into place very naturally. Plus, I can’t think of any other element of a wedding that has so many variables to contend with as the creation of the guest list! A bride must be prepared for the possibility that feelings will be hurt no matter what she does!

"I can't believe I wasn't invited to the wedding!"

 So, as a final word, I’d like to address some of the variables we encountered and how we dealt with them.

The Uninvited
Sounds scary, and it is. Between the engagement announcement and the mailing of wedding invitations we were approached with great enthusiasm by more than one casual acquaintance who said, “You must invite me to the wedding!” or “I expect an invitation to the wedding!” Even softening such a demand to “I hope I’m invited to the wedding,” didn’t make the situation any less awkward. One hopeful guest phrased it this way, “I’m thinking of getting the couple (fill in the blank) for a wedding gift. Is that okay?” This would all be well and good if we had actually intended to invite them, but that wasn't the case.

There is no easy way to handle these assumptions. We understood that some folks are just carried away, saying what they think sounds encouraging, perhaps not even really expecting to be invited but wanting to say something “positive” nonetheless. With these folks it was easy enough to smile, say something non-committal like, “Well, we’re still working on the guest list,” and move on knowing it probably wouldn’t come up again.

Other times, when pressed again and again by people we didn’t intend to invite, we were left with no choice but to smile and say, “I’m so sorry but we’re limiting the number of guests to family and our closest friends.” This has the double benefit of being the truth and effectively ending the discussion. The key here is to stop talking. It can be hard, especially if you feel like you need to justify yourself, but you don’t owe any excuses to people who presume to invite themselves to your wedding. So, tell the truth, don't make excuses, and change the subject.

Embarrassing Oversights
With at least two couples (maybe more? *cringe*) I addressed the invitation to the wife only. This was entirely an “oops” on my part and I felt obligated to track these folks down, make my apologies to both the lady and her forgotten spouse, and assure the gentleman that he was wanted. My advice to brides or mothers-of- brides caught in this awkward situation is to deal with it immediately. The sooner such an oversight is acknowledged, apologized for, and remedied, the better. Thankfully, my friends are very gracious. I was forgiven on the spot in both cases and the gentlemen knew they were welcome to come. That’s just one of the benefits of only inviting people you actually know.

All or Nothin’
The only reason to set rules when making up the guest list is to limit the number of guests, and waffling on one individual can open the floodgates to many more “iffy” guests. We used the phrase, “if we invite one, then we must invite all” more than once to justify drawing the line in a certain place.

For example, with regard to family, since we were close to several first cousins and wanted to invite them, we knew we must invite them all, even those to whom we weren’t particularly close. Family, especially, can be very sensitive about who is included  or excluded and should receive the greatest amount of care and consideration when making up a guest list. This is not the time to drive home a long-standing grudge by withholding an invitation. Rather this is a wonderful opportunity to put grudges away for good.

Our choice not to invite small children was not made lightly and was driven by two important considerations. One, we wanted to hold the guest count to a certain number. Two, we didn’t want to risk offending any of our friends by picking and choosing which of their precious little ones could come to the wedding while leaving others out. The simplest solution was not to invite any.

A Final Word
I don’t think there was anything that could’ve prepared us for the harsh reality of having to “rate” our friends and decide who would receive an invitation and who would not. People joke about making A Lists and B Lists and even C Lists, but it’s no joke. That’s exactly what a bride must do. And it’s hard!

About the only advice I can offer is to be very firm about the rules you set before compiling the guest list. Be confident that you are doing the right thing to ensure that you stay within your budget, and that your chosen guests will have the best time possible with plenty of food and a chair to sit in while eating it.

The Guest List -- Part Three

We set aside time in April, ten months before The Day, to get together with the groom’s family and discuss the guest list. Because we’re all good friends we included dinner and made an evening of it. I collected the names and addresses of the groom’s family and friends from his mother and took notes on those for whom she didn’t have addresses so we wouldn’t forget to follow-up. My goal was to get the name and current address of each guest with proper spelling of both name and address. Correct zip codes are important too.

If the families of the bride and groom are separated by a great distance this step could be done by phone or email. No matter how it’s done, it’s very important to give the groom’s family plenty of time to come up with their portion of the guest list. This means you will need to make more than one phone call and send more than one email. Be sure to make a folder in your email where you can keep all the invitation information separate from your regular email. I suggest you do this well before you plan to mail out “save the dates” because it may take several weeks to track down certain folks.

I bought 3x5 lined index cards and an inexpensive card file box in which to put them. This small box would be the nerve center of the guest list and invitations for many months to come.

High tech record keeping device

I printed the names and addresses of our guests on 1” x 2-5/8” mailing labels and stuck them to the index cards. For families I wrote the names of each young family member we were inviting to the right of their parents' address label. Next, I wrote “save the date”, “invitation”, and “RSVP” on each card. Then, I put the cards in alphabetical order in the box. Any card that didn’t have an address was put in front of the others until I got an address, then they were filed with the others. The cards ended up looking like this:

Each task was checked off as we did them. I made dividers for “RSVP” and “Regrets” and when someone replied to our invitation, we checked off RSVP, wrote the number of guests expected in the upper right hand corner of the card, and filed it behind the “RSVP” tab. If the number was “0” we put the card behind the “Regrets” tab. This card system was backed up on spreadsheets on our computers.

Not every bride is going to want to use index cards like we did. She may use whatever method of record keeping suits her best. The card box suited us because both my daughter and I had easy access to it and it was more portable than a computer. No matter which of us received a response, we could easily update the card file without having to log on, print out, or what have you. At the end of the week we would update the spreadsheets from the card file.

After the wedding, I handed my daughter the box and suggested she add two more lines to each card for checking off: Gift and Thank You Note.

The Guest List -- Part Two

Warning! Making the guest list is not pretty. It requires unflinching resolve, cold-hearted decisiveness, and great intestinal fortitude. In fact, this happy task often felt like dreadful draconian drudgery! Seriously, if you expect to have more than a handful of guests and stay within a budget, your list will have to be carefully compiled in order to proceed with any kind of meaningful planning. Almost everything you’ll do on The Day is based on how many guests will be attending the ceremony and the reception.

Brides should not be afraid to set some hard and fast rules when compiling their guest list. Here are a few that we observed while making ours:

• The six of us -- bride and groom and both sets of parents -- were the only ones allowed to submit names to the guest list.

• The bride and groom had full veto power over any name submitted by the others, but each of us would be allowed one “pity” invite that could not be vetoed. Vetoes could be appealed using chocolate, promises of filet mignon smothered in bacon, and other bribes.

• The designated cut-off date for submitting names to the guest list was the day we mailed out “save the dates” six months before the wedding. Only the bride and groom were allowed a grace period.

• With rare exception we did not invite anyone whom the bride or groom would not easily recognize on the street, and vice versa. 

• Small children were not invited because, among our friends, there were at least twenty! Much as we would like to believe that our dear friends could keep twenty infants and toddlers quiet and well behaved throughout the ceremony, we knew it was unlikely. We wanted all our guests, even those without children, to be able to give their full attention to the wedding without distraction. The one exception was the Flower Girl.

• Each guest would be invited by name. We did not send invitations to single friends with “and guest” tacked on because we assumed strangers would not be interested in our wedding. We were confident that we had enough delightful friends to keep even single guests happily engaged in conversation for a couple of hours.

• We stopped family invitations after first cousins even though many of our second cousins knew the bride. We would’ve loved to have them but it would have meant adding another twenty guests. 

• The old warning “if you invite this one then you must invite that one too” is no joke. We spent a good deal of time trying to anticipate the feelings of prospective guests, especially within family groups and known circles of friends, even if our relationship with them was somewhat tenuous. 

• We did not try to second-guess our guests with concerns about whether they got along with other guests. We considered that entirely their business and something they could manage on their own without interference from us. Invitations were based exclusively on our affection for those we invited, not on whether they had affection for one another.

I can honestly say it took all of the time from April to August to create our guest list. Even at that, despite much agonizing and trying to keep numbers down, when we mailed out the last invitation in January the final guest tally stood at 285.

My daughter will tell you she had several moments of panic when she was certain that we wouldn’t have enough seats for everyone at the reception, but I was confidently operating under the old adage: “Over invite and expect half”.

I also understood the laws of attrition. Though I would’ve been delighted if everyone we invited could attend, I was certain the number of guests would decrease at least 10% through regrets, 10% through unexpected situations the day of the wedding, and 10% between the church and the reception hall. That would leave us with about 200 for dinner. This was the number around which I was making our plans.

The Guest List -- Part One

It is a fact that the best way to control the cost of a wedding is to limit the number of guests. This isn’t as easy as it seems especially if you actually have family and friends.

I’d been attending our church since 1979. The groom’s family had been there since 1990. We had a lot of mutual friends so the question was never, “Who do we invite?” It was, “Who don’t we invite?” After that many years, both our families were fairly well known to the congregation. Our children had been active in Sunday School, choir, youth group, Vacation Bible School, and mission trips. Many wonderful people had lovingly taken an interest in them throughout their lives. I had to chuckle that it was a blessing to have so many dear, affectionate friends…until it was time to create a guest list for a wedding.

As I mentioned in my last entry, one of the first challenges was finding a reception hall that would accommodate the number of guests we were considering. More guests meant more food, more cake, and the need for more room, all of which costs more, more, more! Fewer guests, obviously, meant we might be able to have the reception at church. But, speaking for myself only, I wanted to celebrate this joyous once-in-a-lifetime event with all of my family and friends, not just a select few. I assumed everyone felt the same way. Silly me.

There's nothing like having a great big party with ALL your friends!

This led to the first major disagreement between my daughter and me. It came when the couple expressed a desire to invite no more than 150 guests. (The groom even suggested that he’d prefer to cut it off at 100 guests but that number was quickly dismissed as impossible.) If we belonged to a small family this would’ve been a completely reasonable request, but our family added up to nearly 50 people when we included grandparents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins! We had no idea how many would come from the groom’s side. Even eliminating everyone from church except the most intimate friends would leave us hard pressed to keep the body count at 150.

Several evenings were spent bickering. In an attempt to restore peace within our household my husband encouraged the couple to elope. The groom blithely remarked that he didn’t care as long as he got married to my daughter. “Absolutely not!” I cried! I don’t think there was a male friend I knew, including our pastor, who, upon hearing of our logistical challenges, didn’t immediately suggest that the couple elope…the cowards! Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I knew I could make it work.

I consulted with the mother of the groom and, throwing caution to the wind, made up a tentative guest list of 250 names. The list included all the family members on both sides, most of our friends from church minus infants and toddlers, a few close friends who don’t go to our church, and school friends of the bride and groom. I handed it to the couple and said, “Okay, you tell me who to cut.” Their quick perusal of the list brought this response, “Well, there’s--  hmm. What about--? Hmm…” With a sigh of resignation they said, “We see what you mean,” and agreed that all should be invited.

Tomorrow -- some very tough decisions.

Nuts and Bolts and Tulle

The date was set and now we needed to figure out exactly what The Day would entail. Even though we live in the prestigious “Wine Country” of Sonoma County, we are not wealthy. When we first started planning we looked up the average cost of a wedding in our area and it ranged between $24,000 and $40,000! For us, it might as well have been a million dollars; we simply don’t have that kind of money. As we added up the cost of each of the main elements we wanted, though, we began to understand how easy it could be to overspend even on a simple wedding. The challenge for us, then, was how could we avoid spending that much money?

I suggested that we could afford $5000. In one of his only contributions to wedding decision making, my husband agreed. Whatever $5000 could buy, that’s what we’d do for our daughter. She, in turn, generously offered to help with expenses, but as a full-time student with part-time work, her contribution would be limited. Since none of us wanted to overburden our checkbooks or add too much to our credit card debt, we all agreed to do our best to stay within the budget. I will say right now that we amended our cost estimate twice before The Day arrived.

"Can you imagine? They think they can put on a wedding for $5000!"

Working with the $5000 cost limit we listed the main elements of a wedding according to what we felt we must have and what we could do without. In no particular order, the "must have" elements were:

• The Dress
• The Photographer
• The Invitations
• The Flowers
• The Reception Venue
• The Food
• The Cake

The ones we felt we could do without mostly because the bride and groom didn’t want them or we knew we couldn’t afford them were:

• Band or DJ
• Limousine
• Videographer 
• Alcohol

The next step for me was to make a spreadsheet. I used Excel to mock up an itemized budget with estimated costs for 150, 200, and 250 guests. From there we could adjust expenses as necessary. This became an ongoing task and updated figures were plugged in until two weeks before The Day. At that point I declared, “Whatever we’re spending, we’re spending!”

For myself, The Photographer was the one element on which I was not willing to economize. For my daughter it was The Dress. Everything else, however, was fair game for being home made. This isn’t to say we didn’t shop around to see if we could find professionals to do the work for us.

We started with The Invitations. After spending several hours poring over hundreds of samples at a local stationery store and scouring the internet for deals, we took our discount coupons to Michael’s and bought do-it-yourself wedding invitations.

We researched several professional bakers who specialized in wedding cakes. All of them charged between $4 to $6 per slice which meant that making a cake to feed 200 guests would cost between $800 to $1200! I knew for a fact that the ingredients couldn’t possibly add up to more than $150 for a cake that size and simply couldn’t justify the expense. I purchased cake pans in various sizes and started reading up on how to construct tiered wedding cakes. I even considered taking some Wilton cake decorating classes at our local craft store.

My daughter began researching the kind of bridal bouquet she wanted at local florist shops but, after several unsuccessful attempts to get information from the sales clerks regarding ordering flowers, she checked out books from the library on how to make bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres and decided to make them herself. She also decided that she really didn’t want a ton of fresh flowers for decorations. Whatever we saved on The Flowers, then, could be applied somewhere else.

Right from the beginning we intended to do The Food ourselves and I had a plan. I was certain I could feed 250 people for $500 and, truth be told, I came very close!

The final detail was to find The Reception Venue that would seat between 200 to 250 guests. A local community center, which was conveniently located less than a mile from where we lived, seemed like the logical place to have our reception. After taking a tour of the facility, though, we were given a cost estimate of $2700 for the use of their ballroom for eight hours. The ballroom seated 300 for dinner but the facility only provided silverware for 150 and we were not allowed to bring in any from the outside. Go figure. Other rooms in town were in the $1200 to $3500 range. Although it would cost us nothing, the largest room at our church could only seat 165 for dinner, and that was cafeteria style and tightly packed. Not very elegant.

We were left with a challenge regarding the reception venue: either increase the amount we were willing to spend or tackle the guest list again and reduce the number of guests so that we could fit into the room at church. Or -- back to the drawing board -- change the date of the wedding to a warmer time of year and have the reception outside at church. We had some decisions to make…

Setting the Date

My daughter received her proposal of marriage on her birthday last March. From that moment on several important decisions had to be made almost simultaneously, and one of the first decisions was setting the date for the wedding.

The couple had been dating for two years and didn’t want a long engagement. My daughter also knew she wanted her wedding in winter or early spring. Since her fiancée was graduating from college in November, we narrowed the dates for consideration to a time after Christmas but before Easter with decent intervals between the wedding and those major holidays. Charming as a Christmas wedding might have been, we didn’t even consider tucking the wedding in between Christmas and New Year’s Day out of consideration for our guests who would be busy with their own families or coming from out of town. Instead, we focused on dates between late January and mid-March. This would give us almost a year to plan the wedding.

Before we could continue narrowing down the dates, though, we needed to decide whether to have the wedding on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. After going over several logistical scenarios it was decided that a Sunday evening wedding would work best. One of the reasons for this was that many wedding related venues and vendors raise their prices for events scheduled on a Friday or Saturday, so Sunday was less expensive overall. Even the photographer offered a discount if our wedding was scheduled “off season”. I’ll write more about the logistics of having a Sunday wedding later.

Now it was time to check the church calendar to see which Sunday evenings were available. Next we checked the pastors’ schedules. We tried to dodge family birthdays, athletic matches, concerts, and any church events we knew about but -- I have a cautionary word for brides here – no matter what you do, there will always be someone who is not happy with the date you choose. And some of those folks will be sure to let you know just how inconvenient it is. Some will even accuse you of being inconsiderate. My best advice remains: be sweet, be polite, be as gracious as you can be. Don’t let them dampen your joy. This is more difficult than it seems and it helps to have a trusted confidante to talk to – someone who is not necessarily your mother, and certainly not the groom! But once you’ve vented, try to put it aside and move on. The quickest way to make yourself miserable during what should be a happy time is to worry too much about the one or two naysayers among your prospective guests. Let them manage their own disappointment. You don’t need to help.

Even if you find yourself talking to your cats, it helps to talk to someone who isn't too close to the wedding planning.

Bottom line: our main concern was to pick a date when the bride, groom, best man, maid of honor, parents, pastors, church, reception hall, and photographer were all available. For brides who will be planning a more elaborate affair they may also have a caterer, bartender, baker, florist, videographer, limousine service, and hotel rooms to coordinate. This is no small task. It takes a LOT of checking and re-checking and a LOT of honest, clear communication, but as long as the primary players are there, it’s all good. Even if several of your guests can’t attend, you will be no less married at the end of The Day. ;)

In conclusion, we set the date on Sunday, February 27th.

What is a Wedding Anyway?

Planning a wedding can be a simple but challenging task, or it can be a catastrophic battle between reality and fantasy. And brides can expect little help from the wedding “industry” in keeping it simple. As we quickly discovered, it’s an industry that is literally out of control. With regard to my daughter and myself, it is also out of touch. With the exception of hair and make-up suggestions, we learned early on to disregard just about all the tips and advice in wedding magazines published both online and off. Brides would do better to consult tried and true etiquette books written by Miss Manners or Emily Post than rely on the guidelines put forth in magazines. For one thing, the magazines’ main reason for existing is to promote and sell an endless variety of chichi stuff that has little or nothing to do with weddings -- stuff they’re obviously hoping will catch on. If I read the words “must have” one more time I was going to scream! But what is a wedding anyway?

Thankfully, my daughter and I have a fairly traditional idea of what a wedding is and is not. For us a wedding is a solemn religious ceremony witnessed by dear family and friends followed by a festive celebration. The ceremony is not about the bride or the groom, it's about marriage. It’s a meaningful social ritual wherein two people join their lives together, often before God and other witnesses. This doesn’t mean that it must be grim, but rather that it should be taken seriously. At no point did we feel obligated to "entertain" our guests at the ceremony. Why detract from the beauty of such a significant event with a lot of extraneous show? We assumed that the joy of seeing the happy couple united in marriage would provide enough of a reason for people to attend. ;)

On the flip side: a popular video on YouTube at the time showed a fully choreographed wedding procession with the wedding party dancing down the aisle to snappy pop music. Everyone seemed to be having a great time! I had to wonder, though, what it took to get the fathers, mothers, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and groom to cavort down the aisle? Perhaps the entire family runs a dance school? Perhaps they all had a good stiff drink beforehand? And I wondered how they could possibly transition smoothly into a serious marriage ceremony after such a show-stopping entry? Happily, these are not questions I have to answer!  :)

Most brides will have plenty on their plate without having to cajole the wedding party into doing anything above and beyond simply showing up on time. Now, to be fair, if everyone is in agreement, do what you want, but no bride should feel obligated to put on a big show during the ceremony. Save it for the reception. Then again, I would hate for my guests to feel like a captive audience.

In closing, brides can save themselves a LOT of headaches if they keep the ideas simple and use common sense. That’s what this blog is all about really – simplicity translating into elegance and delight.

For the bride who wants to stage an extravaganza, this blog will be of limited use to you, but we do wish you much joy and success in your wedding!

Asking For Help

My first suggestion for a bride is to get help! Help will be vital to your success, strength, and sanity! Obviously, I can’t dictate that it should be your mother who is that help since not every bride has a mother or, if she does, she may not have a good relationship with her mother. But if you have a mother whom you love and get along with she will probably appreciate being asked to help!

Your mother's friends will be invaluable helpers.

To be honest, we didn’t have to ask for much help because so many friends were  eager to be of assistance as soon as the engagement was announced. Much of the reason our wedding cost so little is because of the many items loaned or given to us by friends and family. Many brides are of an age where several of their friends have recently married, which was the case with us, and those ladies are looking for someone to whom they may pass on their tulle!

And many of my friends, former mothers-of-the-brides themselves, had a great deal of wisdom to pass on to me not only regarding the logistics of throwing a huge party aka wedding, but also how to survive the (happy) stress of everything leading up to The Day.

Someone out there has a load of tulle they want you to use!

Your own friends and the friends of your mother will also have friends who possess a variety of talents. From someone who knows exactly how to pin on a corsage to the person who makes fantastic punch. From the creative seamstress who can help you with any number of sewing tasks to the young man who is willing to drive your aunt to the reception, I guarantee there is a wealth of help and information within your circle of acquaintance.

It's help with obscure details, like removing the handrail from the altar area before the ceremony, that is so needed and appreciated.

To sum up, we were never lacking in the help department and it was a good thing. The next step was to make a list of all that we wanted done and consider those best suited to complete those tasks. For example, we had already decided that we would provide the food for the reception dinner ourselves rather than hire a caterer. I’ll talk more about that later. I immediately called my own mother to see if she would make her delicious potato salad for 200 guests. She was flabbergasted! At 78 years of age the prospect of peeling that many potatoes was overwhelming. With regret, she declined. At first I was bewildered because my mom is such a capable person but, seriously, I wasn’t thinking of her age, I was just thinking that she was my capable mom! So, bad move on my part! Anyway, when assigning tasks it’s a smart idea to have a good Plan A but also a solid Plan B and C.

Ask for help in a humble and gracious manner and good friends will go above and beyond to make your dreams a reality. Ask well in advance so that people have plenty of time to do a good job on the task you've asked them to do and things will be done to your satisfaction. Ask far enough in advance so that if people decline you'll have time to find someone else to do the task. Brides who make demands, even if they seem reasonable to the bride, are less likely to receive cooperation from friends or vendors. Be sweet. Be polite. Be flexible. Be prepared for some criticism of your chosen colors. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Welcome!

My oldest daughter was married on Sunday, February 27th of this year. True to it's name, the day was bright and clear in contrast to the cold and rain we’d had during the week. When the wedding began at 5 o’clock sunlight was streaming through the western windows of St. Mark Lutheran Church, illuminating the altar area with golden light, and I thought it just couldn’t be any more perfect! And I was right! :) Our wedding day was wonderful.

Welcome to my post-wedding blog. I plan to share what my daughter and I experienced over the past year in the hope that it will be helpful to prospective brides and mothers-of-brides as they plan The Day. Throughout this blog I will use “we” unless something was strictly my idea or my daughter’s idea in which case I’ll give credit where credit is due. Put simply, we worked as a team and I’m firmly convinced this contributed significantly to the success of our wedding day.

I say “our” wedding day. A lot of folks would correct me saying, “It’s your daughter’s wedding” as if they thought I was taking over and my daughter’s wishes were being pushed aside in favor of my own, but that wasn’t the case. At the worst I was living vicariously through her wedding, but I never thought of it as “my” wedding. It was her wedding but it was also very much “our” wedding. It was definitely a team effort.

I never had a wedding of my own. I got married while serving in the United States Navy and living far from home. Although my mother, sister, and sister-in-law affectionately took on the task of trying to put a wedding together for me in our hometown, I realized that even the nicest wedding they could create would not be “my” wedding. The fun part of having a wedding is the planning in my humble opinion!

So, I politely declined their offer of help and was quietly married in a small wedding chapel off base. I wore a nice dress, not a wedding dress. My husband wore nice clothes, no tie. We have one blurry picture from the day snapped by the presiding minister. The minister’s wife was the only witness. We went back to work directly after we were married, no honeymoon. A year later the chapel was bulldozed and a parking lot put in its place! This may sound like a tale of woe but my husband and I have been married over 23 years now, which is a testimony to a profound truth: the wedding doesn’t make the marriage! The planning of a wedding, however, can reveal much about the character of those involved! I’ll write more about that later.

Anyway, I admit I’ve had some regrets over the years about my wedding day; nothing that I’m hanging on to, but I wanted more for my daughter. Thankfully, she was eager for me to help! And for that I’m very, very grateful.

Finally, this blog will be written from a decidedly "conservative" viewpoint since I am a practicing Christian and take my relationship with Jesus Christ very seriously. That's not to say I'm gonna bash anyone over the head with "religion" but my beliefs do inform my perspective of the world around me. Weddings, in particular, take on many, many forms -- some spiritual, some material, and everything in between! My goal is simply to tell about our wedding and, hopefully, give brides additional perspectives as they put together their own special day.